

PS 3537 
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Frenc 1923 ional Copyrighted (in England, 

he c i 1 the United States) Edition of 
^ opY ;s of the Best Authors. 

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No. 467 

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IT’S TURRIBLE TO 
BE POPULAR 

A FARCE COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 


BY 

JOHN KENDRICK STAFFORD 


Copyright, 1923, by Samuel French 


Amateurs may present this play without payment of 
royalty. All other rights reserved. 


PRICE, 30 CENTS 


' New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 
Publisher 

28-30 West 38th Street 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 


26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 


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The Charm School 

A fascinating- comedy in three acts by Alice Duer Mill¬ 
er and Robert Milton. 6 males, 10 females. (May bs 
played by 5 males and 8 females;. Any number of school 
girls may be used in the ensembles. Scenes, two inter 
iors. Costumes, modern. Plays 2% hours. 

The story of “The Charm School” is familiar to Mrs. 
Miller’s readers. It relates the adventures of a hand¬ 
some young automobile salesman scarcely out of h 
’teens who, upon inheriting a girl’s boarding school froi; 
a maiden aunt, insists on running it himself, according to 
his own ideas, chief of which is, by the way, that tin 
dominant feature in the education of the young girl of 
today should be CHARM. 

The situations that arise are teeming with humor— 
clean, wholesome humor. In the end the young man 
gives up the school and promises to wait until the most 
precocious of his pupils reaches a marriageable age. 

“The Charm School” ha's the freshness of youth, the 
inspiration of an extravagant bu: novel idea, the charm 
of originality, and the promise of wholesome, sanely 
amusing, pleasant entertainment. We strongly recom¬ 
mend it for high school production. 

“The Charm School” was first produced at the Bijou 
Theatre, New York, and then toured the country. Two 
companies are now playing it in England. Price, 76 cents. 

Daddy Long-Legs 

A charming comedy in four acts, by Jean Webster. 
The full cast calls for 6 males, 7 females and 6 orphans, 
but the play, by the easy doubling of some of the char¬ 
acters may be played by 4 males, 4 females and three 
orphans. The orphans appear only in the first act and 
may be played by small girls of any age. Four easy 
Interior scenes. Costumes modern. Plays 2V 2 hours. 

The New York Times reviewer, on the morning fol¬ 
lowing the Broadway production, wrote the following 
comment: 

“If you will take your pencil and write down, one be¬ 
low the other, the words delightful, charming, sweet, 
beautiful and entertaining, and then draw a line and 
add them up, the answer will be ‘Daddy Long-Legs.’ 
To that result you might even add brilliant, pathetic 
and humorous, but the answer even then wo*Si4 be just 
what it was before—the play which Miss Josua Webster 
has made from her book. ‘Daddy Long-Legs,' and which 
was presented at the Gaiety last night. To attempt to 
describe the simplicity and beauty of ‘Daddy Long-Legs’ 
would be like attempting to describe the first breath o f 
Spring after an exceedingly tiresome and hard Winter.” 

“Daddy Long-Legs” enjoyed a two-years’ run in New 
York and was then toured for over three years, and is 
now published in play form for the first time. 

Price, 75 cents. 

(The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) 


SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th street, New York City 
New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed 
Free on Request 



IT’S TURRIBLE TO 
BE POPULAR 

A FARCE COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 

BY 

JOHN KENDRICK STAFFORD 


Copyright, 1923, by Samuel French 


Amateurs may present this play without payment of 
royalty. All other rights reserved. 


New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 
Publisher 

28-30 West 38th Street 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 


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CHARACTERS 


Gerald Donaldson, in love with Margaret. 

Agnes Dudley, his aunt. 

Gloria Chadwick, an aspirant for Gerald's wealth. 
Gertrude Chadwick, her mother. 

Ted Bradley, Gerald's college chum. 

Myrtle, another aspirant for Gerald's wealth. 
Irene, also an aspirant. 

Margaret, who shuns Gerald on account of his 
money. 

Alice, secretly engaged to Ted. 

Corey, the gardener. 

Togan, a thief. 

Slade, also a thief. 

Act I —Living room of Dudley summer home. 
Morning. 

Act II —The same. Afternoon. 

Act III —The same. Night . 


i f* * 


3 





IT'S TURRIBLE TO 
BE POPULAR 

ACT I 

Scene: Living room, ordinarily furnished. Door 
r. and l. Sofa up stage c. No special scenery 
necessary. Telephone on table. 

Discovered: Gerald and Aunt seated on sofa. 

Gerald. But Auntie, the girls simply won’t leave 
me alone. It’s terrible to be as popular as I am. 

Aunt. Well, then, why don’t you marry Gloria 
and be done with it ? 

Gerald. (Eyes Aunt,) What! And pass up 
my uncle’s ten million ? You must remember, Auntie, 
that according to my uncle’s will, it will all go to the 
girl I’m engaged to, if I’m engaged before I’m 
twenty-one. And think—I’ll be twenty-one tonight 
at midnight. (Takes deep breath.) Whew! Won’t 
I be glad ? Because then the ten million will be my 
own. Won’t it be grand—to be able to propose to a 
girl without fear of losing my ten million! (During 
this speech Gerald gets up and zvalks around.) 

Aunt. Come, Gerald, you talk foolishly. What 
did you think I invited you to this house party for? 

Gerald. Well, I don’t know, but it looks more 
and more as if it was to get me engaged before mid¬ 
night to that confounded Gloria. 

5 



6 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Aunt. Now, Gerald, you know that Gloria’s 
mother is a dear friend of mine, and that person¬ 
ally nothing would suit me more than to have you 
marry Gloria. 

Gerald. (Makes wry face) Yes, but where do 1 
come in? Haven’t I got the right to do my own 
picking? 

Aunt. Not when ten million’s involved. 

Gerald. What! 

Aunt. See here, Gerald, you don’t understand 
the trouble that money brings a man. Now, if you 
should become engaged to Gloria before you’re 
twenty-one, then all the burden of caring for the ten 
million would go to Gloria, and you could just have 
a wonderful time, letting your wife care for all the 
money. 

Gerald. What! Do you mean to say you think 
that I would be willing to become engaged to a girl 
now — now —after all the years of dodging engage¬ 
ments that I’ve had to endure—and let her get my 
money, when to-morrow’s my twenty-first birthday? 
Not much—I’ve been through too much suffering on 
account of girls trying to get me engaged before I’m 
twenty-one to give up when victory’s in sight. Oh, I 
tell you, I’ve been through a lot to dodge them, too. 

Aunt. Well, every girl at this house party of 
mine is apparently determined to get you before 
you’re twenty-one, and if you take Gloria, it’ll save 
you from a worse choice. (Aunt has fan , which 
she uses.) 

Gerald. (Makes wry face) I don’t quite see it 
that way, Auntie. If I don’t take Gloria, it’ll save me 
for a better choice. And you know what her mother’s 
like. I never heard a woman who could make as 
many misquotations in a given length of time as she 
can. Anybody that has any use for either Gloria 
or her mother can’t have any brains at all. 

Aunt. I like them both very much. Gerald, you 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 7 

know there isn’t another girl as attractive as Gloria, 
both socially and—er—physically. And think of the 
pleasure it will be giving your Auntie. 

Gerald. Now, Auntie, you know it isn’t fair to 
expect me to get engaged today, and give up my ten 
million just on that account. Just think of the pleas¬ 
ure it will give your nephew if I can keep in my own 
name that batch of ten million beans. 

Aunt. What! Such an expression! (Laughs.) 
Well, you are a Bostonian, after all. 

Gerald. Well, but- 

Aunt. Now listen, nephew. I insist that you 
treat Gloria nicely, or you shall answer for it. Do 
you understand? 

Gerald. (Meekly) Yes, Auntie. 

(Enter Gloria and Mrs. Chadwick l.J 

Aunt. Oh, good morning, my dear Gloria! How 
did you and your dear mother sleep last night ? 

Gloria. Mother and I both slept very well, thank 
you. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (With fan) Yes, indeed, we 
did. I am sorry that we were so late in rising this 
morning, and after this Gloria and I will try to do 
better. (Laughs.) You know how the old saying 
goes—er—er— (Looks perplexed )—let me see, what 
is it? Oh! “Early to bed, early to rise—er—er—- 
will make you neither healthy, wealthy nor wise.” 
(Laughs.) Dear, dear! Who would ever think I 
should nearly forget Wilson’s famous war phrases 
so soon! 

* Aunt. (Insinuatingly to Mrs. Chadwick) Yes, 
dear, that’s all right, not to get up early. (Laughs 
slightly.) Only this nephew of mine, has been on 
edge all morning, waiting to see Gloria. (Laughs. 
Gerald disgusted and angry business.) 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Overlooks Gerald’s business) 



8 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Oh, yes, my dear! I am sure he must be burning 
to tell her something. Come, dear! (Locks arms 
with AuntJ Let’s go and leave them together. 
(Laughs.) You know, as the saying goes, "Two’s a 
company, and four’s a crowd.” (Looks perplexed, 
as if trying to remember. Mrs. Chadwick and 
Aunt leave at r. ) 

Gloria. What is it you want to tell me, Gerald 
dear? (Gerald business.) Oh, oh—I’m sure—you 
—you mean it’s about- 

Gerald. Yes, that’s it. (Starts to leave l.) If 
you will please pardon me. I have an engagement. 

Gloria. Engagement? (Falls into Gerald’s arms.) 
Oh, this is so sudden! (Gerald tries to free him¬ 
self.) Don’t be so bashful. Don’t you want to say 
something before you go? 

Gerald. (Coldly) Miss Chadwick! Pardon me, 
but I must tell you something very plainly. (Frees 
himself.) 

Gloria. Anyway you say it will suit me. 

Gerald. (Business) Ah! But you don’t un¬ 
derstand ! Really, Miss Chadwick, just think of the 
importance it is to me to keep—er—ah— unengaged 
until tomorrow. Think of the financial loss it would 
mean to me. 

Gloria. (Goes to GeraldJ Yes, and to think 
you are ready to give that up on account of me! 

Gerald. Miss Chadwick, I - 

Gloria. Yes, Gerald dear, I know what you 
mean. 

Gerald. Miss Chadwick, I must- 

Gloria. Yes, Gerald dear. 

Gerald. Don’t call me Gerald dear. Call me — 

Gloria. Darling? Oh, this is so sweet of you. 
(Business.) 

Gerald. Miss Chadwick ! I - 

Gloria. Yes, Gerald darling. 

Gerald. Miss Chadwick, I - 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


9 


Gloria. Yes, dear. 

Gerald. Miss Chadwick! I told you not to call 
me dear. 

Gloria. (Coyly) Very well, then, darling. 

Gerald. Miss Chadwick! We must have an un¬ 
derstanding before this goes any farther. 

Gloria. Tell either Father or Mother, dear. It 
doesn’t make any difference. 

Gerald. Stop! You don’t understand. Oh—I 
—you—I can’t explain it! 

Gloria. That’s all right, Gerald dear. I under¬ 
stand perfectly. You do love me, don’t you? And 
you do want to be engaged right now, don’t you? 
All right, we’ll tell Mama right away. (Takes Ger¬ 
ald’s arm.) 

Gerald. Hey! I—I (Enter Ted r. Ger¬ 
ald rushes over and slaps Ted warmly.) Oh, Ted. 
how do you do! How are you! You don’t know 
how glad I am to see you! (Ted surprised. 
Gloria piqued.) 

Gloria. GeraldJ Well, shall we tell Mama? 

Gerald. Oh, ah, no, no, no! You don’t under¬ 
stand, Miss Chadwick. 

Gloria. (Tries to embrace Gerald, who shrieks) 
Oh, yes, I do. I understand perfectly. (Goes rJ 
I’ll order the announcements right away from the 
printers’. 

Ted. Announcements! 

Gerald. Ah—ah—ah! 

Gloria. (To Gerald ) Well? 

Gerald. (Slaps Ted) Ted, old boy, you don’t 
know how glad I am that you’re here. (Waves 
arms.) What a wonderful spell of weather we’re 
having! 

Gloria. (To Gerald,) Well? 

Gerald. Ah—ah! (Picks up old flower-pot or 
anything.) Isn’t this flower-pot glorious! Ahem! 
Ahem! 


10 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


Ted. (Registers) Say, Gerald, do you Teel real 
well? 

Gloria. (Goes to Gerald ) Why, you poor boy, 
you’re all worked up about it. (To Ted,) Do you 
know, he has an announcement to make? 

Gerald. (Jumps) Ah—ah—ah! Ted, isn’t this 
wall paper wonderful! Just look at this wonderful 
design! Ah—ah—ah! (Enter Myrtle and Irene at 
r. Gerald rushes up to them.) Ah! Oh, my! 
How do you do, Myrtle! And Irene ! (Grabs their 
hands.) Really, how glad I am to see you! (Myr¬ 
tle and Irene start to lean on Gerald, who springs 
azvay. Ted laughs.) I mean how glad Ted is to see 
you! 

Myrtle and Irene. (Surprised) Why, Gerald! 

Gerald. Ah, ah! Wasn’t the sunset beautiful 
this morning! And the sunrise last evening — sim¬ 
ply superb! 

All. Gerald! 

Gerald. Ah, ah! You don’t understand- 

Gloria. No. Gerald has an announcement to 
make. 

Myrtle and Irene. An announcement! 

Gerald. Ah, ah! I have no announcement to 
make! None whatever! There is nothing to an¬ 
nounce. 

Gloria. Yes, but- 

Gerald. (Goes to sofa and falls on it) Oh, par¬ 
don me, girls, but I’m not very good company to¬ 
day. I’m not feeling well, and if you all will just 
run along and leave me- 

All Girls. (Rush to GeraldJ Leave you! No, 
never! (Ted laughs at Gerald.) 

Myrtle. Tell me where you’re sick, dear! 

Irene. Let me hold your hand, dear! 

Gloria. Just put your head in my lap, dear! 

Gerald. (Jumps up and upsets girls) Hey! 
Hey! Girls, you mustn’t! You must leave me alone! 





IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR n 

I—er—I—I do like you all awfully well, girls, but 
I—er—I—I just cannot do anything like that. 

Myrtle. ( Goes to Gerald ) I know what you 
mean, Gerald. Just let me get these other two girls 
out of the way first. 

Irene. ( Gets between Gerald and Myrtle ) Yes, 
dear. Say that when we’re before these other girls. 
But I know what you mean. 

Gerald. What! 

Gloria. ( Gets between Gerald and Irene,) I 
understand, dearest. These two other girls embar¬ 
rass you. But you can kiss me, anyway. (Starts 
to kiss Gerald.) 

Gerald. (Jumps, then has idea) Listen, Gloria. 
I’ll meet you at the coal-bin in ten minutes. (Goes 
to Irene ) I’ll meet you in front of the garbage-cans 
in ten minutes. (Goes to Myrtle. ) 

Myrtle. (To Gerald,) I wish they’d leave us 
alone. 

Gerald. Er—never mind. I’ll meet you on top 
of the chimney in ten minutes. You’ll be sure to be 
alone there. 

Gloria. Well, girls, I’m afraid I’ll have to tear 
myself away. I must see how the coal bin is. 

Irene. Me, too. I think I’ll look at the garbage 
cans. 

Myrtle. I’m sorry to leave you, but I must have 
a look at the chimney. 

Gloria and Irene. What? 

Myrtle. (Laughs) Oh, it’s an important en¬ 
gagement, eh, Gerald? 

Gloria. (Laughs) Very important, eh, Gerald? 
I’ll see about those announcements later. 

Irene. That’ll be so romantic, Gerald. A chim¬ 
ney proposal will be sure to be public. (Irene, 
Myrtle and Gloria each blozv kiss to Gerald when 
others are not looking, and leave at l.) 


12 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


Gerald. (Wipes brow) Well, did you ever see 
anything like that? 

Ted. (Laughs) Whew! They’re all crazv to 
land you for that money. Congratulate me. I have 
no such worries. I’m poor. 

Gerald. I wish to goodness I was twenty-one 
today instead of tomorrow. 

Ted. Cheer up, old boy. This is the final assault. 
After today —(Snaps fingers )—you should worry if 
you do get engaged! 

Gerald. Yes, but that’s just it. Between now and 
tomorrow is what I’m afraid of. They all know 
about the will. 

Ted. What, that you get the money if you’re not 
engaged before tomorrow? 

Gerald. Yes, and—and Ted, I’m afraid. Auntie 
is determined I propose to Gloria before the day is 
over—and the rest of the girls are just as danger¬ 
ous. You don’t know how awful it is not to be able 
to open your mouth without having somebody take 
it for a proposal. 

Ted. Oh, I don’t know about that. I used to be 
that way myself. All the girls used to fall for me. 

Gerald. Impossible! 

Ted. (Registers) Oh, no! I had it down pat. I 
used to rehearse my love lines beforehand, and when 
I said them to a girl, I used to knock ’em cold. 

Gerald. Do you really mean to say that you 
could get a girl to accept you by reciting love lines? 

Ted. I surely do. 

Gerald. (Registers) They must have been won¬ 
derful lines. 

Ted. What? 

Gerald. (Laughs) Say, Ted ! Why not help me 
out of this hole, if you’re such a wonder at the pro¬ 
posing game? 

Ted. What say? 

Gerald. Look! Brush up a little on your dif- 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 13 

ferent proposals, and get engaged to these girls and 
save me and my ten million. (Slaps Ted on back.) 
I’ll make it worth your while. 

Ted. (Puts arm around Gerald,) Say, kid, I 

would, gladly, only—only- 

Gerald. What ? 

Ted. It wouldn’t be true to the girl I love. 
Gerald. What ? 

Ted. That is —ah— er - 

Gerald. (Pats Ted) Out with it, old man! 

Ted. Have you noticed that there’s one girl in 
the bunch that’s here that doesn’t seem to pay much 
attention to you? 

Gerald. Well, no. They are all simply crazy 
over me. 

Ted. ( Frightened) What ? 

Gerald. Oh, yes, there is one. A mighty fine 
one, too. 

Ted. You bet! 

Gerald. I think I’ll marry her. 

Ted. (Jumps) What! 

Gerald. (Innocently) Huh? 

Ted. Is —is Alice trying to land you, too? 
Gerald. Oh, Alice! Oh, no, I forgot about her. 
Alice doesn’t pay any attention to me, either. 

Ted. (Sighs and wipes brow) Whew! You had 
me scared! I was afraid Alice wasn’t true to me. 
Gerald. What ? 

Ted. Yes. I’m going to take her to the races to¬ 
morrow. 

Gerald. The races ? 

Ted. Yes. 

Gerald. Why, you know—if you take a girl to 
the races here it means you’re practically engaged. 
Ted. Well, that’s what I am! 

Gerald. (Shakes Ted’s hand) Ted! Old bov! 
Is it possible? You don’t mean to say you’ve bought 
a ticket for the good ship matrimony? 



14 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Ted. That’s just what I mean. 

Gerald. (Laughs) I don’t suppose you mad^ 
any reservations on the ship. 

Ted. What? (Laughs.) Oh, I don’t think I’ll 
need any. Alice and I get along pretty well together. 

Gerald. (Laughs) I’ll remind you of what you 
just said ten years from now. 

Ted. (Laughs) But what about yourself ? Have 
you bought a ticket? 

Gerald. No. I can’t— as yet. Wait till my birth¬ 
day tomorrow, when my ten million will be safe. 
Then I’ll buy a whole night boat. 

Ted. (Laughs) Any reservations? 

Gerald. I can’t say. But what I want to know 
is, will you help me out? 

Ted. And do what? 

Gerald. Just propose to these girls. 

Ted. But think of Alice. 

Gerald. (Puts arm around Ted,) Ted, old boy, 
if you do pull me through this difficulty, I’ll give 
you a little nest egg to start married life on. 

Ted. Yes, but- 

Gerald. You have no money, have you? 

Ted. Hardly a penny. 

Gerald. Propose to these girls and you will have. 
(Pats Ted on hack.) 

Ted. Money is just what I need, but you must 
remember I’m already engaged to Alice. 

Gerald. Then propose to them — for Alice’s sake. 

Ted. All right, I will. 

Gerald. Fine! Between us, we’ll get that ten 
million all right. 

Ted. I hope it will be between us. 

. ? ER £ LD - What? (Laughs.) Oh, yes, that’s all 
right, Ted.^ You’ll get a good slice. 

Ted. Now listen, Gerald. My proposing to the 
girls is not enough. 

Gerald. It isn’t? 



IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 15 

Ted. No. You’re an infamous lying scoundrel. 

Gerald. (Jumps) What! 

Ted. (Laughs and slaps Gerald on hack) Oh, 
you old tubby! I mean that’s what I’ll have to tell 
the girls. 

Gerald. Why ? 

Ted. To make sure that the ten million stays be¬ 
tween us. (Both laugh.) 

Gerald. Go ahead—slander me as much as you 
like before any of the girls, except—except- 

Ted. Yes? 

Gerald. Er—not before Margaret. 

Ted. Why not? 

Gerald. (Looks dozvn) Er, Margaret is—dif¬ 
ferent. She doesn’t have to hear scandal to keep 
away from me. 

Ted. No, I’ve noticed she shows remarkably good 
judgment. 

Gerald. What ? 

Ted. (Laughs) Oh. nothing. I’ll have to re¬ 
hearse my proposals. (Takes out notebook, examines 
it. and lays it on table.) Lucky I happened to have 
this thing along. They’re all copied down cold here. 

Gerald. They are? 

Ted. Yes, I’ve been using them on Alice. 

Gerald. (Laughs) Ha, ha ! Now I see how she 
came to fall for you. 

Ted. Huh? 

Gerald. All I hope is that you can do as well 
with my lovers. 

Ted. Oh, you leave that to me. If I can think 
up enough slander, I’ll guarantee you’ll remain a 
bachelor forever. 

Gerald. (Jumps) Oh, don’t put it to them as 
strong as that. Remember I have no objections to 
becoming engaged after today. 

Ted. Provided vou can find the right one. 

Gerald. Ahem! I say, remember about Mar- 


16 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

garet. Er—it isn’t necessary that you propose to 

her. . 

Ted. Good! I’ll confine my proposals to Gloria 
and the other two that were in here just now. I’ve 
no objections to limiting my proposals to three girls. 
You know, I really feel kind of funny about propos¬ 
ing to them when I’m engaged to another girl! 

Gerald. Shh! Here they come. Oh, my gosh! 
Margaret is with them! (Fixes tie, etc.) 

(Enter Gloria, Myrtle, Irene and Margaret l.) 

(Gloria, Myrtle and Irene. Hello, Gerald. 
Gerald. Oh, hello. 

Gloria. (To Gerald) These other girls acted 
so suspicious I didn’t want to wait at the coal-bin 
for you. Shall we announce our engagement now? 

Gerald. (Jumps) Oh—we aren’t really engaged, 
Gloria. That is the misunderstanding. 

Gloria. (Piqued) Well, but what you said to 
me would naturally be taken for an engagement. 

Gerald. Would it? What in the dickens did I 
say? 

Gloria. (Runs fingers along Gerald's coat) 
You told me that when a couple really loved each 
other it wasn’t necessary for them to propose. 

Gerald. (Jumps) Oh, ah, ah! Oh, ah! (Myr¬ 
tle and Irene go up to Gerald, zvho pretends to 
cough.) Achew! Achew! 

Myrtle and Irene. You poor sick boy! (Gloria, 
Myrtle and Irene eye each other unfavorably.) 

Gerald. Yes, I think I am coming down with 
rheumatism and croup. (Coughs.) Really, girls, 
you had better stay away, or you might catch your 
death of spinal meningitis. (Margaret pantomimes 
to Ted to Gerald's displeasure. Margaret looks 
surprised at Gerald's remark. Gerald moves away 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 17 

from girls , coughing furiously and looking at Mar¬ 
garet out of corner of eye. Gloria, Myrtle and 
Irene follow Gerald.) Look out, girls! I may 
have an attack of hydrophobia any minute! 

Gloria, Myrtle and Irene. Oh! Oh! You’re 
really sick! 

Gloria. (Steps forward) Let me take care of 

you. 

Myrtle. (Steps forward) No, let me. 

Irene. (Steps forzvard) No, let me. 

Myrtle. . (To Gerald; Really, Gerald dear, I 
couldn’t wait for you on top of the chimney. 

Irene. (To Gerald; I didn’t like to wait for 
you by those smelly garbage-cans. 

Gerald. Oh, oh! Oh, girls! I’m really coming 
down, with hydrophobia! Look out! Keep away! 
(Business.) 

All. Oh! Oh! 

Ted. (Wholeheartedly) Yes, girls, you want to 
keep away from him. (To Margaret; He’s led 
such a dissipated life I wouldn’t be surprised if he 
were infected with everything. 

All. What! 

Gerald. (Motions to Ted ) Ah! ah! 

Ted. (To Margaret; Why, Gerald is the big- 
gest.cur on this side of the grave! His private 
life is positivelv disgraceful! 

All. What? 

Gerald. (Motions to Ted and Margaret; Ah* 
Ah! 

Ted. Why, surely, girls. (To Margaret; He 
is positively the vilest character I’ve ever seen. It’s 
a wonder to me how he manages to hide it. 

Gerald. (Goes to Ted; Cut that out! 

Ted. (Surprised) What? Why, this is what you 
wanted. 

Gerald. Ah— er— but— (Looks at Margaret and 
szvallows ) — ah —er— but - 


i8 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


Gloria, Myrtle and Irene. (Go to TedJ Tell 
us about Gerald. 

Ted. (Rather pleased at attention) Why, surely. 
(Gerald jumps.) 

Margaret. (Coolly) If you will please excuse 
me, I must be going. (Exits lJ 

Gerald. Yes, er— ah - (Margaret and Ger¬ 

ald exit l. Gloria, Myrtle and Irene all look h.) 

Ted. (Takes deep breath) Well, I hate to say 
this, but — (All girls looks l .)— Gerald has a horrible 
past. (Gloria exits l. Myrtle and Irene look l. 
nervously. Ted does not see this bus. Ted looks l. 
and notices Gloria has gone. Ted speaks louder.) 
Ahem! Gerald is absolutely unfit for any woman’s 
love! (Myrtle tiptoes out l. Ted looks l. and sees 
Myrtle has gone. Ted speaks very loud.) As I 
was saying— (Waves arm dramatically )—Gerald is 
unfit— (Exit Irene at l. on tiptoe )—for human com¬ 
panionship! (Ted looks l. and jumps. Enter Myr¬ 
tle l.) 

Myrtle. Oh, Ted, Gerald sent me back here. 
He said you could do something for me that would 
be a great help to him. 

Ted. (Thinks , then catches Myrtle’s hand and 
arranges all chairs two by two.) Sit down, Myrtle. 
(Myrtle sits down. Ted puts rug over dirty spot in 
front of chair , and slyly opens book on table.) 

Myrtle. (Rapturously) Oh, what is it? 

Ted. (Looks at book) Myrtle! (Clasps hands 
and rolls eyes upward.) Do you know that name is 
the sweetest name on earth to me? 

Myrtle. (Rapturously) Oh, Ted! 

Ted. (Looks at book) Myrtle — I—I cannot re¬ 
strain my love for you! It wells up irresistibly ! It 
fills my heart with longing! It thrills the very last 
fiber of my being! Myrtle! I—I love you! 

Myrtle. (Rapturously) Oh! 

Ted. (Looks at book, gets down on knees on rug. 



IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 19 

Holds book behind his back and turns page.) Here 
I am, kneeling before you, pleading before you, to 
let me be your constant companion, your devoted 
slave—your husband—throughout life! (Glances at 
book.) Myrtle! Every moment of my life is filled 
with dreams of you! Every impulse of my heart 
turns toward you! Every drop of my blood is on 
fire for you! Myrtle, Myrtle, will you be my wife? 
(Bus.) 

Myrtle. ( Rapturously) Oh, Ted, I didn’t know 
you could talk like that! 

Ted. Yes, but Myrtle, that’s not the question. 
Will you—will you marry me ? 

Myrtle. Oh, Ted, if you only had ten million, I’d 
marry you in a minute. 

Ted. (Slyly) If you say you’ll marry me, I will 
have part of ten million. 

Myrtle. (Takes deep breath) Oh, Ted—I—I—• 
don’t know what to say. You know—you know— 
(Looks down and swings shoulders) —Gerald is 
madly in love with me. 

Ted. (Registers) Huh? 

Myrtle. Yes, and—and if I—if I decide to ac¬ 
cept him before tomorrow I—I’ll be worth ten mil¬ 
lion dollars. 

Ted. (Looks at book and turns several pages hur¬ 
riedly to new place.) Myrtle! Money can’t make 
happiness! (Looks at book.) Here is my oppo¬ 
nent, with nothing to offer you but money! Cold, 
cruel, heartless money! And here I am, kneeling 
before you, offering you my heart’s blood of devo¬ 
tion, of sacrifice! (Looks at book.) I offer you, 
not money— (Szvallows) —but my own true love, my 
— (Swallozvs) —er—unchangeable— (Looks at book 
and swallows) —uncorrupted and sincere love. 
(Looks at book.) Love that is pure, that is abso¬ 
lutely given to you alone! (Swallozvs.) Myrtle ! 

You must choose between me—and money! (Gets 


20 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

up.) Although you may doubt it, I swear that Ger¬ 
ald doesn’t love you! And Gerald’s life is a scan¬ 
dal ! He is false—he is vile! He is wicked! 

Myrtle. Yes, Ted, I will marry you! 

Ted. (Gives happy jump, grasps Myrtle’s hand 
and immediately kisses her.) You will? That’s— 
that’s fine! And you’ll love me and be true to me 
to the end ? 

Myrtle. Yes, Teddie dear, I will. (They kiss. 
A small ribbon from Myrtle’s dress catches on lapel 
of Ted’s coat.) And you’ll take me to the races to¬ 
morrow, Teddie dear? 

Ted. Ah—what? 

Myrtle. You’ll take me to the races tomorrow 
of course, won’t you? 

Ted. Ah—er—yes—of course I’ll take you. Ah— 
er—my dear, if you will excuse me one minute, I 
will be right back. (Exits r. Margaret enters l.) 

Myrtle. Oh, hello, Margaret! (Catches her hand 
and jumps around.) Do you know, I’m just engaged 
to Ted? I really don’t care anything about him, but 
he’ll be good to fall back on if Gerald doesn’t come 
across. (Laughs.) Do you know, Gerald must have 
some awfully black chapters in his life? Ted was 
just telling me. 

Margaret. (Looks sad) Never mind, dear. I 
don’t care to talk about Gerald. 

(Enter Ted and Gerald at r., very happy. Gerald 
goes up to Margaret, who turns her back. Ted 
goes to Myrtle.) 

Ted. Myrtle- (Myrtle turns her back on 

Ted and goes to Gerald. Ted registers.) 

Myrtle. Oh, hello, Gerald! (Touches his coat 
with, her fingers.) I am so glad you’re here. I was 
afraid you’d run off and left poor little me all alone. 
(Gerald backs away. Margaret looks at Ger- 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 21 

ald.) But you wouldn’t do that, would you, Jerry 
dear? 

Gerald. (Gasps—business with Ted) Ah—er—I 
—er—it’s very close in here. It’s too hot for me in 
here! (Looks at Margaret.) Let’s go outside. 
(Goes to Margaret, who turns away.) 

Myrtle. Certainly. (Goes up behind and twines 
arms with Gerald.) Are you coming with Ted, 
Margaret? (Gerald and Myrtle leave at l.) 

Margaret. Yes. ('Ted and Margaret leave at 
l. Enter Mrs. Chadwick and Gloria at r.) 

Mrs. Chadwick. And no matter who it is, my 
advice is, always accept a proposal. Better to have 
loved and lost, than never to have proposed at all, as 
the saying goes. 

Gloria. Yes, but Mother- (Enter Ted at l.) 

Ted. Oh, Mrs. Chadwick, have you seen Gerald? 

Mrs. Chadwick. Why, no, not this minute. Tell 
me, is there anything wrong with the dear boy ? 

Ted. Oh, yes, there is. He ought to be around 
here somewhere. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Do you wish us to look for 
him ? 

Ted. Yes, yes, that would be very good. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Come, Gloria. 

Gloria. (Hastily powders nose, etc.) Yes, 
Mother, in just a minute. 

(Mrs. Chadwick exits l. Ted takes deep breath, 
sets his teeth, and goes up to Gloria.) 

Ted. Gloria! Just a minute before you go out. 
I want to warn you about Gerald. 

Gloria. (Sticks nose in air) I don’t care to hear 
any slandering of that dear boy. You’re merely 
jealous and wish to harm him. 

Ted. I don’t. I’m doing him a favor. Listen, 
Gloria, he is a rank counterfeit! 



22 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


Gloria. A what ? 

Ted. A rank counterfeit. Don’t you know he’s 
lost his uncle’s fortune on account of his conduct— 
that he will never get the ten million—on account of 
his conduct ? 

Gloria. What ? 

Ted. Absolutely. He is penniless—absolutely 
penniless. 

Gloria. Oh—oh—oh! I’m—I’m so glad you told 
me this! 

Ted. Yes. but that’s not all. Gerald is a thief. 

Gloria. A what? 

Ted. A thief—a gambler—a drunkard—and pos¬ 
sibly a murderer! 

Gloria. Oh! 

Ted. Yes. he’s awful! He’s the leader of a gang 
of thieves and thugs. 

Gloria. Oh. oh! 

Ted. And that’s not all! He is treacherous— 
especially to his friends. 

Gloria. Oh! 

Ted. Particularly to his girl friends. He’s abso¬ 
lutely untrustworthy. 

Gloria. Oh, oh, oh! 

Ted. Yes, and if he ever marries anybody, it will 
be just on purpose to kill them and get whatever 
money they have. 

Gloria. Oh, oh, oh! (Goes to Ted,) Protect 
me from him! He wants to marry me—he insists 
on it! Save me! 

Ted. (Puts arm around Gloria) That’s exactly 
why I’ve told you this—to keep you from marrying 
Gerald. 

Gloria. Oh, yes, but I’m afraid he won’t take no 
for an answer. 

Ted. Never fear— I know how you can keep free 
from him. 

Gloria. What ? 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 23 

Ted. Become engaged to me. See? Just for the 
time being, until he is twenty-one, when he will be 
publicly disowned. 

Gloria. Oh—but we can’t become engaged— 
we’re comparative strangers. 

Ted. Gloria! (Clasps hands and rolls eyes up¬ 

ward.) Gloria! Do you know that name is the 
sweetest name on earth to me? 

Gloria. Oh, Theodore! 

Ted. Gloria! Even if we are comparative strang¬ 
ers, I cannot restrain my love for you! It wells up 
irresistibly! It fills my heart with longing! It 
thrills the very last fiber of my being! Gloria! I— 
I love you! 

Gloria. Oh, Theodore, this is so sudden! 

Ted. (Kneels) Gloria! Here I am kneeling be¬ 
fore you, as vassals did before their queens centuries 
ago. Here I am, pleading with you to let me be your 
constant companion, your devoted slave—your hus¬ 
band—throughout life! Gloria! Every moment of 
my life is filled with dreams of you! Every impulse 
of my heart turns toward you! Every drop of my 
blood is on fire for you! Gloria, Gloria, will you be 
my wife? (Bus.) 

Gloria. (Rapturously) Oh, Theodore, you fairly 
take my breath away! 

Ted. (Gets up) Gloria! Don’t put me ofif! 
Every moment is precious! Your mother may come 
back and insist on your marrying Gerald. 

Gloria. (Coyly) I — I — I don’t think mother’ll 
be back. 

Ted. No? Then come over and let me tell you 
how much I love you. (Ted pulls hesitating Gloria 
to chair.) 

Gloria. Oh, Ted, I don’t know what to say. 
(Gloria sits on arm of chair, Ted has arm around 
her.) 

Ted. Listen, Gloria dear. (Swallows.) All my 


24 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

life I have never— (Swallows) —paid any attention 
to any girl. And then I saw you! Then I knew 
that I had found my heart’s companion—that you, 
and you alone, are the person who is my ideal—that 
you— (Swallows) —and no one else hut you, can 
turn my life into happiness and sunshine— by con¬ 
senting to be my wife! 

Gloria. (Takes deep breath) Oh, Ted, this—is 
—so—sudden! 

Ted. Yes, but not half as sudden as the unre- 
strainable love that thrilled me the moment I saw 
you! Gloria! Gloria! How can you hesitate? 
Can’t you see that I love you—and you alone? 

Gloria. Very well, then — I’ll accept you. 

Ted. (Kisses Gloria) Fine, Gloria, fine! 

Gloria. But will you be able to make some money ? 

Ted. I surely will. Being engaged to you makes 
it sure. 

Gloria. What ? 

Ted. I mean you’re such an inspiration, dear. 

Gloria. (Pats Ted) Oh, thank you for saying 
that, Teddie. I’m sure we’ll always love each other. 

Ted. Always. 

Gloria. And never care for anyone else. 

Ted. (Swallows) I haven’t a particle of doubt 
about that, dear. 

Gloria. What makes you tremble, dear? 

Ted. Oh, was I? 

Gloria. Yes. Why? 

Ted. I was thinking of the great risks I’d take 
for the sake of the girl I hope to marry. 

Gloria. That’s noble of you to say that about 
me, dear. I’m sure you wouldn’t stop at anything. 

Ted. I haven’t stopped at anything yet, my dear. 

Gloria. Oh, Ted, I suppose you want to take me 
to the races tomorrow. 

Ted. (Jumps) Hey! 

Gloria. What made you jump, dear? 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 25 

Ted. I jumped at the thought of taking you, dear. 
It will make me so happy. (Mournful look.) 

Gloria. (Picks Myrtle’s ribbon off Ted’s coat) 
Ted! What does this mean? (Stands up.) 

Ted. Ah — oh, ah - (Takes ribbon.) Oh, 

what a pretty ribbon! Where did you get it ? 

Gloria. Ted, how dare you ! Why, that’s Myr¬ 
tle’s ribbon—off her dress! 

Ted. Oh, ah—oh, ah - Er—Gloria—er — ah — 

let me explain. 

Gloria. Ted, I - 

Ted. Oh, let me see, what coat have I on? (Looks 
at coat.) Oh, ah—I see—this is Gerald’s coat—I 
put on Gerald’s coat by mistake! 

Gloria. (Shakes head) Ted, you - 

Ted. Just listen, Gloria. Let me explain. You 
don’t know how sorry I am it happened. Really, 
this is the way it happened. You see, Gerald and I 
slept together last night, and Gerald must have 
walked in his sleep and changed our coats around. 
So this morning that’s why I must have put on the 
wrong coat. 

Gloria. I don’t believe it. The coat you have 
on fits you perfectly. 

Ted. Oh, I must complete my explanation. Ger¬ 
ald is so absolutely poor I gave him this coat yester¬ 
day—he had gambled away his own. That’s why it 
fits me. 

Gloria. How does that explain about Myrtle’s 
ribbon ? 

Ted. (Laughs) Oh, don’t you see? It’s all as 
clear as I can make it. It must be that Gerald is 
secretly engaged to Myrtle, and that he had had her 
in his arms. 

Gloria. ,Oh, oh, oh! The horrid thing! And 
mother says he cares for nobody but me! 

Ted. Exactly, Gloria. That explains it all per¬ 
fectly. 



26 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Gloria. Oh, Ted, would you mind keeping our 
engagement a secret? Mother would be furious to 
hear I’ve given up Gerald. 

Ted. (Registers) Gloria, I agree with you .per¬ 
fectly. I think it would be much wiser to keep our 
engagement an absolute secret. 

Gloria. Oh, thank you—you’re so kind. 

Ted. Don’t mention it. 

(Enter Mrs. Chadwick l.J 

Gloria. Oh, hello, Mother. We were just talk¬ 
ing about you. 

Ted. Yes—and Gerald, too. Do you know, I’m 
worried about him? 

Mrs. Chadwick. What is that? 

Ted. Mrs. Chadwick, I hate to tell you, but Ger¬ 
ald is far from being respectable. 

Mrs. Chadwick. What? 

Ted. The truth is, Mrs. Chadwick, that Gerald is 
a fearful degenerate, not fit to become any woman’s 
husband. He has lost all his money- 

Mrs. Chadwick. Sir! What do you mean by 
such falsehoods? I don’t believe a word you say. 
Gloria and I will hear none of your slandering. 
Come, Gloria, let us go outside and look for Gerald. 
I’m sure he’s wondering what can be keeping you. 

(Gloria hesitates, looks from Mrs. Chadwick to 
Ted. Mrs. Chadwick takes Gloria’s arm and 
both leave r. Gerald enters l.) 

Gerald. (Shakes hands with TedJ Congratu¬ 
lations, old man! I heard everything. You’re a 
wonder! 

Ted. Oh, well, I admit the girls can’t resist me. 
But I’m afraid Mrs. Chadwick will turn Gloria 
around again into liking you. 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 27 

Gerald. Never fear, old top, you painted me so 
black that she won’t look at me after this. Besides, 
she thinks I’ve lost the ten million. 

Ted. (Laughs) I know. That turned the trick. 
She wouldn’t have given you up without it. 

Gerald. I know—it was a good idea. Do you 
know, she had the nerve to insist that I had proposed 
to her this morning? 

Ted. What! You don’t say! And if she had 
ever told that to her mother, it would have been 
good-bye ten million to you. (Gestures.) 

Gerald. Yes. But what gets me is the way Myr¬ 
tle took my arm right after you had finished pro¬ 
posing to her. What’s the matter—doesn’t she know 
that when she’s engaged to one fellow she must leave 
the others alone? 

Ted. I can’t understand how she’d want to pay 
any attention to you when she’s engaged to me. 

Gerald. What ? 

Ted. Nothing. I’ve got to get engaged to Irene 
now. Whew, this is some life! (Wipes brow.) 

Gerald. I tell you what to do. I’ll get Irene in 
here, and I’ll be insolent and will pretend to be rav- 
ingly drunk. Then you can play the part of the 
handsome hero—rescue Irene from me, propose to 
her, and be accepted. Then she’ll go out and warn 
the other girls to keep away from me—that she saw 
me in a drunken and dangerous condition. 

Ted. And also probably tell them that she’s just 
become engaged to me. My, if Alice ever hears I 
—well, I won’t marry Alice. 

Gerald. Cheer up, old man. You probably 
wouldn’t anyway. 

Ted. Huh? 

Gerald. Alice has good judgment. 

Ted. I know—that’s why she chose me. 

Gerald. You don’t like yourself, do you? 


28 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Ted. I like myself too well to have those other 
girls go and spoil my chances with Alice. 

Gerald. Cheer up, they won’t tell anyone they’re 
engaged to you. 

Ted. Good! 

Gerald. Because that’s nothing to be proud about. 

Ted. Huh? 

Gerald. (Laughs ancl slaps Ted on back) When 
this is over, you’ll get enough of my ten millions to 
keep both you and Alice comfortable. 

Ted. Comfortable, if Alice doesn’t hear about'it. 

Gerald. Now listen ! I’m expecting Irene in any 
minute. You play the hero stuff. Treat me rough! 

Ted. All right, and you pretend to be drunk. 
You know how to act the part—you’ve been drunk 
enough times. 

Gerald. (Jumps) Huh? 

(Irene enters l. Gerald pretends to be drunk. 

Irene stops near entrance, horrified.) 

Irene. Oh! 

Gerald. I say—hie—hie—old top, I’m going to 
kill the woman I marry- 

Ted. (Nearly weeping—does not look at IreneJ 
Gerald, Gerald, why won’t you leave liquor alone? 
Some day you will commit a fearful crime, even 
worse than the crimes you’ve done now. Gerald, 
Gerald, don’t you know that you’re breaking your 
poor mother’s heart? And your social position— 
don’t you realize that your beastly debauchery will 
make you a social outcast ? 

Gerald. Hie—hie! 

Ted. (Grandiloquently) Gerald, Gerald, I will 
have to tell you more! You’ve lost the ten million 
on account of your scandalous conduct. 

Gerald. (Jumps, then rushes angrily at TedJ 
Ah! Hie! I’ll thrash the man that tells me that! 




IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 29 

I’m a bloodthirsty villain! Prepare to die! (Looks 
at Irene for first time.) Oh, hie! (Smiles.) 
Come in here, li’l girl. I—hie—want to talk to 
you. (Goes to Irene and drags her in.) Ah—hie— 
come on—I want to—hie—shing a shong! Hie— 
hie! Come, Ted—hie—give ush a tune. 

Ted. (Mournfully) Gerald, you’re exposing 

yourself! Leave that beautiful girl alone! 

Gerald. (Winks at Ted, who winks hack) Aw 
—hie—hie! She’s not sho beautiful as she looks! 
Look—hie—I bet she wears rats! (Pulls Irene's 
hair—rat falls out. Irene screams and replaces rat.) 
Dat’s shall right, li’l girl—I doesh a lot worse than 
that to my wife. 

Irene. Your wife? 

Ted. (Desperately) Gerald! You’re telling 

everything! 

Gerald. (Winks at IreneJ Shh, li’l girl—I’m 
married twice. 

Irene. Oh! Oh! 

Gerald. (Grabs Irene roughly) But you don’t 
care ’bout dat, li’l girl, do you? 

Ted. (Weepingly) Gerald! Keep quiet, or you’ll 
tell her everything. 

Gerald. Yesh, yesh ! I murdered ’em both. Hie! 
They both wore rats. I can’t stand rats. Hie! 

Irene. (Screams) Oh, Ted, he doesn’t mean it! 

Ted. (Mournfully) Irene, don’t ask me whether 
it’s true or not, because I don’t want to tell you. 

Gerald. Hie—hie! 

Irene. What—married twice and lost all his 
money ? 

Ted. Shh! He’s ugly on that subject since he 
lost his ten million. 

Gerald. (Advances angrily) Hie—hie! What’d 
you shay ’bout my ten million? (Orchestra begins 
to play fitting tune.) 

Ted. Nothing, Gerald. 


30 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Gerald. (Grabs Irene angrily) Well, what did 
you shay ’bout it? 

Irene. (Screams) Help! 

Gerald. I shink I’m going to handle you rough. 

Irene. Help — Ted! 

Ted. (Pleadingly) Gerald, hide your beastly na¬ 
ture ! Remember you are talking to the most beau¬ 
tiful girl on earth! 

Gerald. Beautiful—hie—is she? Well, we’ll 

shee—hie! hie!—’bout dat. (Slaps Irene on back.) 

Ted. (Grandiloquently) Gerald! (Gerald stops 
momentarily.) Leave that lovely girl alone! 

Gerald. (Laughs) Huh, huh, huh! Listen to 
him talk, Irene! Huh, huh, huh! Why, he can’t 
stop me ! Hie! hie! (More bus. with Irene .) 

Irene. (Screams) Help! Ted! Help! 

Ted. (Advances dramatically) Stop! 

Gerald. I won’t! 

Ted. You will! (Puts arm around Irene and 
takes her majestically from Gerald. Ted winks at 
Gerald. ) Stand back there! And keep your hands 
off this precious girl! 

Gerald. (Very angry) Ahh! Who are you? 
To take anybody out of my hands like that! Ahh! 
I’ll kill you both! (Rages around.) I’ll kill you 
both! 

Ted. (Dramatically) Stand back, there ! 

Gerald. (Cringes — changes to mournful, implor¬ 
ing attitude) Oh, Ted, you know I’m afraid of you. 
But won’t you let me play with Irene? 

Ted. No! 

Gerald. Hie — why not ? 

Ted. (Dramatically) Why? Why (Looks at 
IreneJ Because — because I love her! 

Irene. Oh! 

Ted. Yes! It is out! I’ve kept it in as long as I 
can! But I cannot restrain myself any longer! 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 31 

Irene! Do you know that is the sweetest name on 
earth to me? 

Gerald. ( Charges and roars) Ah ! ah! 

Irene. (Clutches Ted) Oh, oh! 

Ted. (Waves him hack) Stand back! (Gerald 
turns his back and laughs . Ted to Irene) Dearest, 
I have loved you, and only you, from the moment I 
first saw you! I’ve fought it—I’ve tried to keep 
you from seeing it, but this has brought it out. 

Gerald. ( Charges and roars) Ah! ah! 

Irene. (Clutches Ted) Oh! 

Ted. (Waves him hack) Stand back! (Gerald 
turns his hack and laughs. Ted to Irene ) Dear¬ 
est, let me protect you from Gerald in the way I 
want to protect you—as the girl of my dreams—as 
the girl whom I love—as the girl whom I am to 
marry! (Gerald bus.) Dearest, will you marry 
me? 

Irene. I—I—I think so. 

Ted. (Snatches kiss) Settled! Now let’s — er— 
keep this a secret. Shall we ? 

Irene. Yes. 

Ted. (Kisses Irene) That’s good. So is that, 
too. Now we shall see about Gerald. (To Ger¬ 
ald) Gerald, you drunken coward, I want you to 
understand that this jewel is mine—that you will 
have to leave her distinctly alone—understand, dis¬ 
tinctly alone! 

Gerald. (Looks at Irene a moment) Hie! me! 
Then good-bye, Irene, and I want you to leave me 
distinctly alone. 

Irene. Oh ! All right! I’ll be satisfied with Ted. 
(Ted winks to Gerald.) You love me faithfully, 
don’t vou, dear? 

Ted. There’s no one I love half as much as the 
girl I’m going to marry, dear. 

Irene. That’s right, dear. And—oh, Ted? 

Ted. Yes? 


32 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Irene. You’ll take me to the races tomorrow? 

Ted. (Jumps) Oh, ah- 

Irene. What? 

Ted. Certainly—er—my dear. Unless I am sick. 
Irene. Sick? 

Ted. Yes, I am subject to heart trouble at times. 
Er—my dear—let’s not think of the races tomorrow. 
Er—just think of today—of our engagement which 
we must keep a secret. 

Irene. Yes, Teddie dear. But don’t you want 
our engagement to be known to anybody? 

Ted. No, dearest. 

Irene. Not even to Myrtle? 

Ted. (Jumps) No. 

Irene. Or Gloria ? 

Ted. (Jumps) No. 

Irene. Then I’ll tell Alice. 

Ted. (Jumps and shrieks) Hey! No! Oh, ah! 
I feel my heart spasms coming on. Oh, ah! Let’s 
go out into the open air. Ah, oh! 

Irene. You podr sufferer! Do the attacks last 
very long? 

Ted. It depends. Ah, ah! I think this one will 
be over after to-morrow. 

(All leave at r. Alice and Margaret enter at l. 
Orchestra stops playing.) 

Alice. Why, Margaret, your eyes are all red. 
It looks as if you have been crying. What is the 
matter ? 

Margaret. Oh, nothing, Alice dear. 

Alice. Oh, Margaret, do you know all the girls 
are talking about Gerald? Ted’s come out and said 
Gerald is living a horrible private life. 

Maragaret. (With a catch in voice) Oh. Alice, 
I—I wish you wouldn’t talk about it. Please talk* 
about something more pleasant. 



IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 33 

Alice. (Happy) All right, I will. Can you 
keep a secret? 

Margaret. What is it? 

Alice. (Whispers) Do you know a certain young 
man has been engaged for over a month? 

Margaret. (Jumps) Who? Gerald? 

Alice. (Laughs) No—Ted. 

Margaret. (Puzzled) Oh, yes. But was it a 
month ago? 

Alice. (Looks down) Yes, a month ago to¬ 
day. 

Margaret. That’s strange. Myrtle told me it 
happened this morning. 

Alice. What! 

Margaret. What ? 

Alice. How does Myrtle know about it? 

Margaret. Why wouldn’t she know, dear, when 
she’s the girl he’s engaged to? 

Alice. (Cries) Oh, oh, oh! It must be so! 
Ted is false! 

Margaret. What’s the matter, dear? 

Alice. Oh, oh, oh! Everybody said that Ted 
made love to every girl that came along—that he 
wouldn’t be true to me. 

Margaret. (Pets AliceJ Oh, what do you mean, 
dear? Is Ted engaged to you? 

Alice. Y—v—yes. 

Margaret. Well, then perhaps it’s all right, dear. 
I wouldn’t think Ted would be false. Perhaps it’s 
just a story of those girls who are trying—to—land 
Gerald— (Looks down) —and his money. 

Alice. I —I hope it is that. 

(Enter Ted at r.) 


Ted. Alice! 

Alice. Oh, oh, Ted ! 

Ted. (Touches Alice affectionately) What is it? 


34 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Margaret. Somebody said something- about your 
not being faithful to Alice, but Pm sure it’s not true. 

Ted. Margaret, thank you for saying that. 

Alice. (Cries) I—I—I don’t believe it, either. 

Ted. That’s right, Alice dear, no matter what 
you hear about me in the next twenty-four hours, 
don’t believe a word of it. 

Alice. I—I won’t. I—I—Pm sure you’re true 
to me, aren’t you, Ted? 

Margaret. Yes. 

Ted. If you knew what I’ve agreed to put up 
with for your sake, Alice, you would be sure that 
Pm true to you. 

Alice. A—all right, Teddy boy. (Stops crying 
— smiles.) I’ll believe you. 

Ted. Do— and nobody else. 

Margaret. Oh, Ted! 

Ted. Yes? 

Margaret. (Looks donm) Er — ah—it isn’t true 
that Gerald is a bad character, is it? 

Ted. Absolutely. He is positively indecent and 
unfaithful to every*girl he meets. 

Margaret. Oh, oh! (Cries.) 

Ted. He’s unfit to deserve any woman’s love. 

Margaret. (Cries) Oh, oh! 

(Enter Gerald at r.) 

Gerald. (Breathless) Ted, you get out of here ! 

Ted and Alice. Oh! (Much bus. between Ted 
and Gerald.J 

Ted. Well, Alice, let’s go. Gerald seems to be 
displeased about something. (Ted takes Alice and 
both leave at l. Margaret starts to follow. Ger¬ 
ald catches her arm.) 

Gerald. Please—one moment, Margaret. 

Margaret. (Cries) Let go! 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 35 

Gerald. Margaret! I beg of you to listen! 
( Margaret exits l.) I—I love you ! Dearest! 

Irene. (Off stage at r.) Coming! (Enter 
Irene at r.J 

Gerald. Oh—ah! Oh, Ted isn’t here. 

Irene. Yes, but you just called me dearest, didn’t 
you? 

Gerald. Ah—ah—ah! 

Irene. I know you did, and do you know what 
I’m willing to do? 

Gerald. Ah—what ? 

Irene. I’m willing to break m.y engagement with 
Ted for your sake—to reform you. That is my 
life’s ambition—to reform you. 

Gerald. Ah, don’t—don’t! (Jumps around.) 
Remember I’m bad—I’m dangerous. You’d better 
leave me alone. 

Irene. Oh, no, Gerald, I can’t leave you alone. 
I’ll give up my life to reform you—provided we are 
engaged tomorrow. 

Gerald. Ah — ah! I feel one of my tempers com¬ 
ing on. (Jumps around.) Ah—ah! Lookout! I’m 
a human fiend! I may kill you! (Enter Ted l. 
Gerald charges Irene, who runs to TedJ 
Irene. Oh! 

Ted. Ah, ah! You leave my darling alone! I 
had to break away from Alice to get back here. 
(Gerald charges Ted and Irene. Ted waves Ger¬ 
ald hack.) Go back ! Stand back there, you brute! 
(To Irene,) Never fear, dear, I will protect you. 
But don’t ever let yourself get alone with Gerald. 
Remember, dear. 

Irene. Yes, dear, I will. (Irene and Ted kiss. 
Enter Alice l. Orchestra plays softly “J Used to 
Love You, But it's All Over Now.”) 

Alice. Oh! Oh! (Cries.) It’s true! It’s true! 
He is false. Oh, oh! 

Gerald. (Tries to console Alice ) Alice—it’s— 


36 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

it’s a scheme. Shh! He’s really making love to 
Irene for your sake. 

Alice. (Cries) Oh, oh, oh! By saying that, 
you’re only adding insult to injury. Oh, oh, oh! I 
want to die! 

(Enter Mrs. Chadwick and Gloria r.) 

Gloria. Oh, what is it, Alice ? 

Mrs. Chadwick. Really, you shouldn’t cry like 
that—you get your nose all red. 

Alice. Oh, oh, oh! I want to die. (Points to 
Ted.J He isn’t true. 

Ted. (Jumps) Alice darling, I- 

Irene. What ? 

Gloria. What ? 

Ted. I—ah- 

Alice. Bo —ho —ho! 

(Mrs. Chadwick motions Gloria over toward Ger¬ 
ald. Gloria goes toward Gerald, who jumps 
and rushes to Irene.J 

Gerald. Come, Irene, I must play a game of 
ping pong with you at once. (Gerald and Irene 
leave at l.) 

Mrs. Chadwick. (To Alice,) There, there, my 
dear! I am beginning to understand. It is because 
Theodore has been paying attention to you—perhaps 
you were even engaged. 

Alice. (Cries) Y—yes—th—that’s just it. I—I 
used to love him, but it’s all over now. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, no, my dear, I wouldn’t 
say that. I’ve been talking to Gloria since it hap¬ 
pened this morning, and I’m sure that it was just 
an impulse—that neither really loves the other, and 
that Theodore will return to you. 

Alice. (Looks up) You were talking it over 



IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 37 

with Gloria? Why, what has she got to do with it? 

Mrs. Chadwick. Well, -of course you know that 
he proposed to Gloria this morning. (Ted much 
bus.) 

Alice. What! (Cries.) What! Oh, oh! He’s 
in love with Gloria too! Oh! Oh! Oh! The 
wicked beast! I hate him! I hate him! I hate 
him! (Rushes l.J 

Ted. Alice! 

Alice. I want to die! (Exits l. Orchestra stops 
playing.) 

Ted. (To Mrs. Chadwick ) Now see what 
you’ve done! Ah, ah ! 

Mrs. Chadwick. Now see what you’ve done! 
You’ve been slandering the good and innocent Ger¬ 
ald before my daughter, merely to get your selfish 
ends accomplished—to get Gloria yourself! I can 
see through it clearly. But your scheme is spoiled. 
I tell you, Gerald practically proposed to Gloria this 
morning, and you may be sure that they will both 
live up to the agreement, or I’ll know the reason 
why! 

Ted. Ah! Ah ! Gerald isn’t engaged to Gloria. 
At least I don’t think he knows about it if he is. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Well, if I know about it, that’s 
all that’s necessary. Gloria, I don’t want to see you 
in company with Ted at all. I don’t care even if 
he has turned Alice down for you. 

Ted. (Gasps) Turned Alice down for Gloria? 

Mrs. Chadwick. Yes. 

Ted. Oh—ye gods! 

(Enter Aunt at rJ 

Aunt. (Fans herself) Oh, here you are, Ger¬ 
trude. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Beams) Oh, Agnes, I was 
just wondering where you were. 


38 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Aunt. (To Gloria) Do you know what’s be¬ 
come of my nephew, Gloria? 

Gloria. No. 

Aunt. (Fans herself) Strange! I’ve never seen 
Gerald so reticent about mingling with young people 
as he has been these last few days. 

Ted. Oh, he’ll get over that as soon as he becomes 
a man. (Aunt and Mrs. Chadwick look icily at 
TedJ 

Aunt. Oh, Gertrude. I want to show you the 
beautiful flowers in my garden. (Laughs.) Er— 
(To Gloria) —some of them would make a beauti¬ 
ful bridal bouquet, Gloria, my dear. And I think 
Gerald simply loves garden flowers. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, yes, we must see them. 
As the old saying goes, Gloria, youcknow—er—er— 
“Violets are red, roses are blue—and so are you.” 
(Laughs embarrassedly.) 

Aunt. Come, Theodore. (All leave l. Enter 
Margaret at r.— she walks sadly across stage. En¬ 
ter Gerald r., who runs and catches up with her. 
He catches Margaret’s hand and drops on knees.) 

Gerald. Margaret — please let me explain. 

Margaret. Oh! (Tries to get away.) 

Gerald. Margaret, I swear to you I—I’m all 
right. It’s—it’s all—a scheme on other people’s 
part! I swear to you I’m not bad! (She tries to 

get away.) Margaret! Don’t try to get away. If 
it was anyone else I wouldn’t care what they thought 
of me. But you—I must have you understand. 
(He gets up.) I—I can’t have you think bad of 
me because—because—shall I say it, Margaret ? 
(Margaret hesitates.) Because I love you, Mar¬ 
garet ! (Orchestra starts (( Love Nest.”) 

Margaret. Oh, Gerald! 

Gerald. I do! (Goes near Margaret.J And 

what’s more—I believe you love me. (Margaret 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 39 


droops head.) You do! You do! Say you love 
me, Margaret! (Holds out arms.) 

Margaret. Gerald, I—I—I don’t know. (Test¬ 
ily) But what about your ten million? 

Gerald. (Laughs) The ten million? Bah! 
(Gestures.) I don’t care a snap for that compared 
to you. If you say the word, Margaret, I’ll show 
you how much I think of that ten million compared 
to you. 

Margaret. What ? 

Gerald. Indeed I will. What is all the money 
in the world compared to you ? I wouldn’t care if it 
were fifty million—if you’ll only say yes, Margaret, 
I’ll be engaged publicly to you from this minute— 
and let you get the ten million. Will you believe 
that I love you now? 

Margaret. Do you mean that ? 

Gerald. Yes, I do. 

Margaret. You’re willing to let the ten million 
go—for my sake? 

Gerald. Yes, dear. 

Margaret. (Puts hand on Gerald’s shoulder) 
Then I’ll say it, Gerald. I love you. 

Gerald. (Tries to embrace her) Margaret! 

Margaret. (Stops him) But I don’t want your 
ten million, dear. You can keep that. All I want— 
is you! 

Gerald. (Kisses her) Dearest! You can have 
both! 

Margaret. No, keep your ten million, dear. On 
that account I refuse to become engaged to you be¬ 
fore tomorrow. 

Gerald. (Holds Margaret off at arm's length, 
looks at her, then embraces her and kisses her.) 
Margaret! You’re a brick! 

Margaret. And so are you, Gerald. 

Gerald. I know it, dear. 


40 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Margaret. Those things Ted said about your 
being false were all untrue, weren’t they, dear? 

Gerald. Absolutely, dearest. (Kisses her.) He 
said them so as to—well, I’ll explain to you tomor¬ 
row, dear, when all the trouble will be over. 

Margaret. All right, dear. I’ll wait until you’re 
ready to explain. 

Gerald. That’s lovely of you. All his talk about 
my making love to other girls and so forth is pure 
fiction. 

Margaret. I believe you, dear. (Kisses Gerald. 
Noise at l. Margaret springs out of Gerald’s 
arms.) 

(Enter Aunt, Gloria and Mrs. Chadwick at l. 
Aunt and Mrs. Chadwick nod encouragingly 
to Gloria, who goes up and kisses Gerald. 
Gerald gasps.) 

Aunt. That’s all right, Gerald. (Goes to Ger¬ 
ald*,) I congratulate you. Gloria has told us about 
your lovely engagement to Gloria this morning. 
(Margaret begins to cry.) 


CURTAIN 


ACT II 


Scene: Same as Act I. Afternoon of same day. 

Discovered: Gerald and Ted seated on sofa, in 
despair, with heads buried in hands. Both look 
at each other. 

Ted. Alice won’t listen to me. 

Gerald. And Margaret won’t even speak. 

Ted. Tell me what you did about Gloria. 

Gerald. What could I do? I had to publicly an¬ 
nounce before them all that there was a mistake— 
that Gloria and I were not engaged. 

Ted. And it didn’t do any good? 

Gerald. I should say not. It did a lot of harm. 
It made all the girls do nothing but gossip and spread 
stories around, it made Auntie threaten to send me 
home, Gloria more determined than ever to get me, 
and now her mother threatens to sue me for breach 
of promise—if I don’t call myself engaged. 

Ted. You’re no worse off than I am with Alice. 
Alice positively refuses to look at me. 

Gerald. Where are the rest of those girls now? 

Ted. All of them except Alice and Margaret are 
over at the country club. It’s lucky Myrtle and 
Irene didn’t each want me to take ’em. I don’t know 
what I’m going to do tomorrow about the races. 
Each girl is expecting me to take her. (Telephone 
rings.) You answer it. 

Gerald. No, you answer it. I don’t want to 
hear any more had news. (’Phone rings again.) 

41 


42 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Ted. Well, I suppose I must. (At 'phone) 
Hello? This is Mr. Bradley speaking. Oh, is this 
you, Myrtle ? Where are you ? Oh, out at the club. 
No, I hardly dare guess what made you call me up. 
Oh!— (Jumps) —our—er—engagement ? Oh, ah, oh, 
yes, I’m very glad, Myrtle. Listen, Myrtle dear, 
don’t you think it would be wiser for us—er—not 
to announce it just yet? You don’t? Oh, no, it 
isn’t that I don’t love you, Myrtle dear, but I’ll tell 
you why. You see—er—why—er—don’t you see, 
dear, we better not announce it, dear, because if we 
did, then— (Laughs) —everybody would know about 
it, wouldn’t they, dear? Yes, that’s the reason. 
You may not see the reason now, dear, but you will 
later. (Jumps.) Oh, what about the races? (Bus.) 
Oh—ah, Myrtle dear, do you know I—I think I had 
better not take you to them? Because I am posi¬ 
tively afraid. Of—of horses. Oh, yes. You see, 
when I was a little boy, a horse—er—a horse—er— 
chased me all over town, and—er—nearly bit my leg 
off, and since then I’ve been positively afraid of 
them. Oh, but that’s just it, dear. I don’t know 
when they might start to bite me again. Well, really, 
my dear, I assure you that I wouldn’t have a particle 
of enjoyemnt by taking you to the races. That’s 
very kind of you, dear. And—er—Myrtle dear, re¬ 
member we must keep our engagement a very great 
secret. Yes, Myrtle, we must never let anyone know 
about it. Oh—ah! I didn’t mean never, of course. 
I meant—you know what I meant, don’t you, Irene, 
dear ? (Gerald and Ted jump.) Ah—I meant Myr¬ 
tle. Oh, no, no! It was purely a mistake. I have 
no use for Irene whatever. Why did I call you 
Irene ? Well, I must have been thinking about some¬ 
thing else—I was thinking of another little incident 
that happened this morning. Yes, I agree with you. 
I would like nothing better than never to have to see 
or speak to Irene again in my life. (Jumps.) Oh, 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 43 

no, dear. Don’t tell her. Er—ah—I beg you not to. 
Er—we—there isn’t much more for us to talk about, 

is there, dear—so we’ll have to say good- What’s 

that, dear? You say you could still talk for half an 
hour? Oh, no, I’m not disappointed, but really I 
have several engagements hanging over me that in¬ 
terfere with my talking to you as much as I’d like to, 
dear. What’s that, dear? Oh, yes, dear. You can’t 
imagine my feelings at the thought of hanging up. 
Yes. Yes. Yes. Good-bye, dear. (Hangs up. 
Takes deep breath.) 

Gerald. Well? 

Ted. (Wipes brow. Bus.) Gerald, I never real¬ 
ized how perfectly terrible it is to be popular. An¬ 
other ’phone talk like that would kill me. (Telephone 
rings. Both jump.) Answer it! 

Gerald. Nothing doing. 

Ted. Well, I don’t want to. ('Phone rings.) 

Gerald. Answer it. It may be important. 

Ted. That’s just it. I don’t want anything more 
that’s important. ('Phone rings.) 

Gerald. Answer it, Ted. 

Ted. (At 'phone) Oh, hello! This is the Dud¬ 
ley residence. (Jumps.) You say this is Miss Irene, 
and you would like to speak to Mr. Ted Bradley? 
No, Mr. Bradley is not here. Where is he? Er— 
he has—er—gone out ballooning for the afternoon. 
When will he be back? Really, I doubt if he’ll ever 
get back. Sometimes he stays up for weeks at a 
time. (Jumps.) Oh—ah—ah ! Oh—ah—ah ! You 
knew it was me all the time ? (Laughs mournfully.) 
Oh, yes, Irene, I’m so very happy to have you call 
me up. Yes, you ought to see how happy I look! 
Then you’d realize how much I love you. That’s 
very sweet of you. Oh—ah—you—er—you think 
we’d better announce our engagement? I think we 
had better keep it a secret. Why?. Oh, because 
then it’s much more private than when it’s announced, 



44 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

isn’t it? Yes, and so I know you’ll want to keep it 
secret. (Jumps.) You don’t? Well, I think it 
would be better for me to keep it secret—very much 
better. Why? Because—because—er—you know 
bow dangerously Gerald acted toward you this morn¬ 
ing? Yes, well, you see, if we announced our en¬ 
gagement, Gerald—er—being a dangerous character 
—er—you see, would prevent our announcing it. It’s 
not clear? I don’t think you’d want it much clearer, 
my dear. I can’t explain. Someone might be listen¬ 
ing, and the less I say now the better. I think I’ve 
said much too much already. What’s that? No, no, 
not to you—too much to Gerald. Yes, yes, he’s get¬ 
ting worse all the time. Too had—I’m sorry for any 
girl that he wants to marry. Going violently insane, 
I’m afraid. Yes, only a short time ago he actually 
bit off one of his own ears. Yes, yes, sad case. Yes, 
and the worst of it is that when he gets in trouble 
he always drags me down with him. You’ll try to 
comfort me? Yes, Irene, you don’t realize what 
kind of a comfort you are to me. Yes, I know, dear, 
it was fortunate that I happened to be there when he 
attacked you. What was that. Myrtle— (Ted and 
Gerald jump) —Irene, dear, Irene! Oh, no, I didn’t 
say Myrtle dear. I said Irene, but this telephone 
service is so bad they actually give you the wrong 
sounds. No, dear, I hate Myrtle. You do, too? I 
wish I’d never see her again. (Jumps.) Oh, no, 
don’t tell her. It—it would be a social blunder on my 
part to have her know. Yes, keep it a secret. That’s 
dear of you, Myrtle. (Jumps.) Oh, I mean Irene— 
there goes that bad telephone again. I’m going to ask 
central to give us better service. I never heard of 
words getting twisted so badly in a telephone. You 
didn’t know that they ever got twisted? Oh, yes, 
they do. You see, the wires get crossed. Especially 
on days like this. The atmosphere does it.- It’s very 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 45 

tense today. Yes, dear. Well, dearie, I’m very glad 
you called up. But I suppose you’re tired of talking 
to me. What? You usually talk for two hours? Oh, 
no, no, dear—I’d be willing to talk steadily to you 
for the next twenty-four hours, provided that that 
was all that would happen during that time. Oh, the 
races? Oh, I can’t take you to them. Why? Be¬ 
cause Gerald is such a dangerous character. No, 
I’ll have to stay and watch him. He might bfte off 
his other ear. Yes, it’s too bad I can’t take you. . I 
do feel very bad about the races—you can’t realize 
how much. I almost wish there were no races. 
Well, Myrtle—oh, I mean Irene—after this I’m going 
to call you dearest. The wires don’t get crossed on 
dearest. Well, dearest, don’t you think we’d better 
stop talking? Well, you see, the papers said we were 
likely to have a thunder shower this afternoon, and 
you never can tell where the lightning will strike. It 
doesn’t look like rain? No? It isn’t even cloudy? 
Well, you know a bolt of lightning might strike the 
wires from a clear sky. That’s what’s happened to 
me. Yes, I think we’d better. Yes, dear. Good¬ 
bye. Good-bye, dear. Yes, dear, good-bye. Good¬ 
bye, dear. (Hangs up.) Gerald! I’m ruined! I 
positively don’t know what I’m going to do for the 
next twenty-four hours. How can I keep each girl 
from knowing that I’m engaged to all the others? 
And Alice—I’d rather be dead than lose her. Look 
here—you got me in this mess, and you’ve got to 
help me out. 

Gerald. Well, the only gentlemanly thing that 
you can do is to die. 

Ted. Yes, that would be a happy solution. But it 
would be very unpleasant for me. 

Gerald. Why don’t you pretend you’re dead? 
Pretend you’ve been killed while trying to do a heroic 
deed. That would clear yourself from the other 
girls and reconcile you with Alice. 


46 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Ted. Do you think I could get away with it? 

Gerald. Sure. If you’ve got the nerve, you can 
get away with murder. 

Ted. I’ll do it! Look me over. I’m a corpse. 

Gerald. How did your death occur ? 

Ted. Don’t ask me. 

Gerald. Let me see. What’s a good way for you 
to die, to make a hit with the ladies? Shot dead in 
a poker game? 

Ted. No, indeed. Shot while rescuing a little 
girl from kidnappers, with the mother near by, bound 
and gagged. That’s a good way to die. 

Gerald. Very well. How old was the girl? 

Ted. Under seven, sure. I don’t want them to 
think I was engaged to her. 

Gerald. Very well, then. Now how did I learn 
of your death ? 

Ted. By telegram, of course. Don’t you remem¬ 
ber? The little girl’s mother sent you a telegram 
telling the sad details of my heroic death. 

Gerald. Oh, yes. How you were driven to 
despair by Alice’s turning you down, and how you 
walked into a deserted saloon- 

Ted. Gully would sound better. 

Gerald. (Grandiloquently) Yes, and there saw 
a desperate villain carrying off a sweet little child by 
name of—Alice. 

Ted. (Grandiloquently) Yes, and when I heard 
her name was Alice, I cried, Alice, Alice, for the 
sake of my true love Alice I will save you! 

Gerald. Yes, and then you went down into the 
gully, with the child’s mother looking helplessly on, 
and fought the desperate villain barehanded. 

Ted. Yes, and was wounded fatally. 

Gerald. Yes, but saved the child! Then you 
staggered up the bank, reeling like a drunken man, 
carrying precious little Alice in your vest pocket! 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 47 

Ted. Yes, and stumbled and fell at the mother’s 
feet. 

Gerald. And clutched the six inch bullet hole in 
your breast with both hands as the mother leaned over 
you with tears of gratitude in her eyes and asked 
you- 

Ted. Whether I would prefer roses or violets. 

Gerald. No. She—she asked you if there was 
any message you would care to send your loved ones 
before—before you went to a warmer climate. 

Ted. Oh, yes, and what did I say? 

Gerald. You said yes! I had a sweetheart! She 
was taken away from me without my deserving it! 
Someone slandered me—said that I actually proposed 
to another girl—but that it’s all false. 

Ted. What? 

Gerald. Yes, I didn’t propose to one girl—I pro¬ 
posed to three. 

Ted. See here- 

Gerald. Yes, but it was for the sake of showing 
my true love to Alice! And just because I did that, 
she turned me down! (Sk )ws deep emotion.) 

Ted. You needn’t rub it in. 

Gerald. (Normal tone) No, we won’t have you 
say that—in the telegram. We’ll have the mother 
say that you gasped out as you lay there on the pea 
green grass, dying it red— (Dramatically) —Yes, yes, 
madam—there is a message I would like you to de¬ 
liver. There is a girl—there is a girl—who is all the 
world to me. She used to be my sweetheart, but 
now she thinks I’m false. But I’m not! She was 
misinformed—it is all easily explainable—only—only 
—I haven’t the breath left to explain it. I—I—did 
love her—and I was hoping that somehow I might 
show her I did. But now— (Gasps) —it’s all gone, 
j—l w m die, without seeing her. Please, madam, 
tell her that I loved her—that it was all false about 




48 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

my caring for anyone else—that I did it as a joke! 
Will you tell her this, madam? 

Ted. Then she said, Yes, I will, but whom shall I 
tell? 

Gerald. And then you gasped—Oh, tell it to my 
old pal, Mr. Gerald Donaldson. He is trustworthy— 
he is worthy—he is noble hearted and handsome- 

Ted. With no brains at all. 

Gerald. And he will deliver my message to 
Alice. 

Ted. Good, fine. That ought to work. How soon 
would you advise me to die? 

Gerald. The sooner the better. 

Ted. Huh? 

Gerald. So as to get Alice back again. She’ll 
like you better when you are dead.. 

Ted. She might love me, thinking I died for her. 
But how’ll I let her know that I’m not dead, that I’m 
living? 

Gerald. Easiest thing in the world. Just come 
around and show yourself alive. And even if she 
won’t believe another thing you say, she’ll believe 
you’re alive, all right. 

Ted. Doubtlessly. But what I want is to get 
reconciled, and I don’t see how I can after I pretend 
I’m dead. 

Gerald. Very well, then, I know another thing 
you can do. Why not save her from a burglar? 

Ted. No, I’m not good at subduing burglars. 

Gerald. Oh, hire one. 

Ted. What? 

Gerald. Surely. Pay him to rob the house. 

Ted. What? Oh, I see. You mean hire someone 
to pretend he’s a burglar, and then do the rescuing 
hero stunt and save Alice. Fine, Gerald, fine! (He 
slaps Gerald on back.) You show real brains at 
times. 



IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 49 


Gerald. (Registers) Thank you. I know who 
we can get for the burglar. 

Ted. Who? Yourself? 

Gerald. Hardly. Get Corey—he’s my aunt’s gar¬ 
dener. 

Ted. He might do. Only you’d have to tell him 
to come armed with a gun instead of a pitchfork, and 
to tie his red bandana handkerchief around his eyes 
instead of his neck. 

Gerald. We can fix that all right. I’ll call Corey 
on the ’phone right now and order him to report 
here. 

Ted. In here? 

Gerald. Yes. 

Ted. (Laughs) Your aunt would have a fit if 
she saw you entertaining him in the parlor. 

Gerald. Yes, but she won’t see him. (Goes to 
'phone.) Hello, hello, hello—is this you, Central? 
What’s that? Do I want to make a ’phone call? 
Why, certainly. What did you think I wanted to 
do?—Take singing lessons? Give me 246, party J. 
246, party J. Party J. J. No, J. H, I, J, you 
know, the tenth letter of the alphabet. The alphabet. 
A-l-p-h-a-b-e-t. Yes, tenth letter. Thank you. (To 
Ted) These operators ought to get a medal. 

Ted. You mean ear-trumpet. 

Gerald. Yes. Hello, hello, is this 246 party J.? 
What? 1904 W.? No, no, it’s the wrong number. 
Hello central, hello central. Give me 246, party J. 
And get it right this time. What? (Registers . To 
Ted) Say, did you ever hear anything like the way 
she called me down? Hello, hello, who’s this? In¬ 
formation? I don’t want information—I want 246, 
party J. Yes, 246, party J. Hello—hello—this line 
is busy, please. Yes, 246, party J. 246, party J. 
Wait a minute—I’ll get some paper and mail it to 
you. 






50 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Ted. Don’t send it by mail if you want her to 
get it. 

Gerald. Hello, hello. Is this 246,. party J ? Oh, 
is this you, Corey? Well, Corey, this is Mr. Don¬ 
aldson. I—er—have a little job for you that ought 
to pay you handsomely. Yes, handsomely. Hand¬ 
somely. Come right over now—I'm in the parlor 
and will see you here. You’re coming right away? 
Good. Good-bye. (Hangs up. Looks at watch.) 
Well, it took me less than ten minutes to get that call 
through. The service is improving. 

Ted. I don’t know about your meeting Corey 
here. You know what your aunt would say. 

Gerald. Oh, that’s all right. She won’t see him. 
They’re all out at the country club. 

Ted. Yes, but Mrs. Chadwick always comes back 
early. 

Gerald. Well, Mrs. Chadwick’s not my aunt, is 
she ? If she should come in—oh, we could pass Corey 
off to her as a retired banker on a hunting trip. She’d 
never know the difference. 

Ted. Mrs. Chadwick surely can make misquota¬ 
tions. The other day she was talking to her doctor, 
and instead of saying, “An apple a day keeps the 
doctor away,” she said to him, “An apple a day keeps 
the donkey away.” 

Gerald. (Laughs) Ha, ha! I bet he was rip- 
ping. 

Ted. No, he said he had to be polite, even if she 
did make a jackass out of him. 

Gerald. (Laughs) Here’s the scheme as far as 
we’ve gone. We’ll teach Corey how to act as a burg¬ 
lar, and we’ll guarantee no harm will come to him on 
this account. 

Ted. Provided he doesn’t use the education later. 

Gerald. (Laughs) Yes. We’ll get him to break 
into this room tonight, and begin to rifle Auntie’s 
silverware. She keeps it in that drawer. (Points 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 51 

to drawer.) Now, since the girls’ sleeping room is 
right across the hall there— (Points r.J—I’ ll tell him 
to go in the hall and chase the girls out of bed. 
Auntie and the older ladies sleep upstairs, away on 
the other side of the house, and they won’t hear a 
thing. Besides, Mrs. Chadwick snores so loud she 
would drown out a whole regiment of burglars. 

Ted. Yes, have him get the girls up by pretending 
to hunt for their jewels. Then we’ll have him be 
especially rough to Alice—maybe bind and gag her— 

Gerald. Oh, say! 

Ted. What? 

Gerald. Have him bind and gag all the girls— 
so they can’t speak. I want to go and propose to 
them and have the pleasure of being sure they won’t 
answer. 

Ted. No, but they could nod their heads. 

Gerald. Right. I don’t dare try it. 

Ted. Well, as I was saying, then it would be up 
to me to come on the scene and pretend to drive the 
burglar off and rescue Alice. 

Gerald. But don’t forget to make up with Alice 
before the burglar leaves. 

Ted. Why? 

Gerald. You’re surer of getting her then. 

Ted. Oh, don’t worry about that. All I need is 
a chance to talk to her, where she has to listen. No¬ 
body can withstand me then. 

Gerald. I’d like to see you talk to mother’s cook. 

Ted. I was talking about ladies. A cook isn’t a 
lady. 

Gerald. No? 

Ted. No. A lady is a gentlewoman, but a cook is 
no gentle woman. Therefore a cook isn’t a lady. 

Gerald. Oh, I see! (Laughs.) Well, you want 
me to come along tonight and see you rescue Alice, 
don’t you? 


52 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Ted. Sure. I suppose you’ll come along- dressed 
in your sport colored bathrobe. 

Gerald. (Seriously) Yes. 

Ted. Well, don’t show yourself in front of the 
burglar. 

Gerald. Why not ? 

Ted (Laughs) The color of that bathrobe alone 
would be enough to drive off any burglar. 

Gerald. Young man, don’t make fun of that 
bathrobe. I tell you, it is really very pretty. Only 
you don’t appreciate its color scheme. 

Ted. Pooh ! pooh! 

(Enter Corey r., wearing disreputable and enormous 
hoots, also shabby clothes.) 

Gerald. Oh, hello, Corey. 

Corey. ’Ow do ye do, sir? Surely the likes hof 
me his ’adrly fit to be hin the missus’ best room, sir. 

Gerald. Oh, that’s all right, Corey. If anybody 
comes, you’re to pretend you’re a retired banker. 

Corey. Ha retired w’at, sir? 

Ted. A retired banker—out in the country on a 
hunting trip. 

Corey. Sure hand hit’s ha poor un youse chosen 
for ha pretense, sir. Has me wife used to say, sir, 
that w’enhever Hi tried to make ha pretense, sir, 
that Hi made more hof ha jackhass hout hof meself 
than hever, sir. 

Gerald. Corey, have you ever pretended to be a 
burglar ? 

Corey. (Jumps) What, sir? Ho, no, sir. Hi 
’ave no hinclinations hin that direction, sir. (Con¬ 
fused.) Hi’ve never taken hangthink, sir. Never, 
sir. Hexcept, sir. Hi might ’ave been hat your cigars 
once hor twice, sir. 

Gerald. (Laughs) You’ve handed yourself a 
dead giveaway. But that’s not what you’re here for. 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


53 


Corey. No, sir? Hi’m glad hof that, sir. 

Gerald. No, what we want you to do is very 
simple. * 

Ted. Yes, just dress up as a burglar and break 
into the house. 

Corey. W’at, sir! Sure, hand you doesn’t mean 
hit, sir? That’s somethink Hise never done in me 
life, sir. Hi ’ad han huncle that used to be werry 
good hat that sort hof think. But hit ’u’d be *ard 
to get ’im hout, sir. 

Gerald. Oh, you’ll do all right. We’ll protect 
you from harm. All you have to do is make a little 
noise and get the young ladies out of bed. 

Corey. Har the ladies hexpectin’ me, sir? (Ger¬ 
ald and Ted laugh.) 

Ted. No, I hardly think so. 

Gerald. But even if you’re unexpected, we’ll see 
that you get a warm reception. 

Corey. Ho, sir, but Hi t’inks you ’ad better get 
somebody helse, sir. Hi’m no ’and hat getting ladies 
hout hof bed, sir. 

Gerald. Oh, no, it’ll be all right, Corey. And do 
you know what I’ll give you if you do it? If all 
goes well. I’ll give you one hundred dollars. 

Corey. Ho, sir, ho, sir, that’s werry generous, sir. 
Hi would halmost do hit, sir, hexcept that Hi was 
once ha married man, sir. 

Ted. Well, I’d advise you to go ahead and do it 
—just for your wife’s sake. 

Corey. Hi can’t see as ’ow breakin’ hinto hanother 
ladies’ hapartments could be hexactly called some¬ 
think done for my wife’s sake, sir. 

Gerald. Oh, think of the monev—the good the 
money will do your wife. Why, for his future wife’s 
sake, Ted himself has taken a much greater risk than 
that. 

Ted. I should say so.. 

Corey. ’E ’as, sir? (To Ted) Now, hif you 


54 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

will pardon me sayin’ hit, sir, but vou’s must be ha 
werry brave man, sir. Hespecially hif your lady 
can ’andle ha broomstick like mine could, sir. 

Gerald. (Laughs) He can tell you rnore about 
that later. But the question is, will you do it, Corev ? 
Think of the nice present you can buy your wife 
with the money. 

Corey. Ho, yes, sir; hit’s werry nice hof you to 
talk like that, sir, but Hi ’ardly t’ink Hi could buy 
hanythink that would be happreciated by me wife, 
sir. 

Gerald. Oh, yes, you could. They’re lots of 
things you could buy. 

Ted. Yes, one hundred dollars ought to pay for 
the first installment on a new hat. 

Corey. Ho, ho, sirs. She doesn’t care habout ’ats 
hany more, sir. Hat least Hi t’ink she doesn’t. 

Gerald and Ted. What? 

Ted. Corey, you’ve married the ideal wife! 

Corey. Ho, no, sirs ; yous don’t hunderstand, sirs. 

Ted. What? Why doesn’t she care for hats? 

Corey. She’s been dead foive years, sir. 

Gerald and Ted. Oh! 

Ted. (Shakes hands) Congrat- I mean con¬ 

dolences. 

Corey. Yes, sir, Hi haccept both, sir. 

Gerald. Well, will you do the job? 

Corey. Hif Hi do, Hi ham to get one ’undred 
dollars ? 

Gerald. Yes, provided Pm worth that much to¬ 
morrow. 

Corey. Hi’ll do hit, sir. Han ’onest man doesn’t 
halways get the hopportunity to make one ’undred 
dollars by bein’ ha burglar, sir. 

Gerald. All right, Corey. I’ll tell you what to 
do. First, you dress up as a burglar. Do you know 
what burglars wear? 



IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 55 

Corey. Yes, sir. Hi’ve seen them hin the movies, 
sir. 

Gerald. Well, you dress up as an up-to-date 
burglar, with all extras, including a gun and a dark 
lantern. Have you a dark lantern, Corey? 

Corey. Yes. sir, Hi’s got w’at you would call ha 
dark lantern, sir, because hit’s always a-goin’ hout, 
sir. 

Gerald. No. that isn’t what I mean. (Takes 
flashlight from table, lights it and gives it to Corey.J 
Here, use this. 

Corey. Hall right, sir. (Flashlight is still lit.) 

Gerald. And—er — (Looks at Corey’s boots )— 
I’d put on a lighter pair of dancing slippers. 

Corey. Ho, do yous want me to dance with the 
ladies, sir? (Gerald and Ted laugh.) 

Gerald. No. 

Ted. (Sees flashlight still lit) Say, put out that 
light! 

Corey. (Embarrassedly jumps and blows at bulb. 
Don't overdo. Gerald immediately unsnaps button 
as Corey is about to do the same.) Ho, hexcuse me, 
sir. 

Gerald. Now listen. You come into this room 
here, and ransack all the drawers. Auntie’s silver is 
in that drawer there. Then go out in the hall— 
(Points R.j —and wake up all the young ladies. 

Corey. Yes, sir. 

Ted Do you know where the young ladies sleep? 

Corey. Well, to be frank, sir, seein’ has ’ow Hi 
’ave been—er—er—a-waterin’ the garden werry late 
hat night, sir, Pli t’inks Hi ’as their room pretty 
well located, sir. (Gerald and Ted laugh.) 

Gerald. I bet you have. 

Ted. Well, you go into the young ladies’ room— 
don’t disturb the older ladies upstairs at all- 

Corey. Hindeed Hi won’t, sir. 

Ted. And demand all their valuables. Get all the 


56 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

girls to come in here, and be especially rough to 
Miss Alice. 

Gerald. Do you know which one is Miss Alice? 

Corey. Hi know ’er werry well hin daytime, 
sir, hand providin’ she doesn’t wear too many hextras 
as come hof hat night time, sir, w’y Hi- 

Ted. Oh, she doesn’t. She’s a real girl. She 
doesn’t wear a single false thing. (Gerald laughs 
and raps on wood.) 

Gerald. I bet you’re wrong. They all do- 

(Seriously) —except—except Margaret. 

Ted. (Laughs and raps on wood) Knock on wood. 

Gerald. Well, to go on, Corey. You make a big 
show of collecting jewels and treat Miss Alice spe¬ 
cially rough, and then Ted is to come in and frighten 
you off. 

Corey. But will hit be certain as the police won’t 
hinterfere, sir? 

Ted. Absolutely. The whole thing should take 
less than twenty minutes, and who ever heard of the 
police getting to the scene of a burglary until several 
hours after the thief had left? 

Corey. Well, hif you gentlemen makes sure as 
Hi ham to be hamply protected, sir, Hi’ll go ha’ead 
hand do hit, sirs. 

Gerald and Ted. Oh, yes, yes; you’ll be per¬ 
fectly safe. 

Ted. It’s I who am taking the real chance. 

Corey. ’Ows that, sir? 

Ted. Er—never mind. 

Corey. Werry well, sir. Now Hi’s to treat Miss 
Halice hespecially rough, sir? 

Ted. Yes. 

Corey. Hi supposes you wants me to do some- 
think special to ’er. 

Ted. Yes. 

Corey; Such has tryin’ to kiss ’er, sir? 

Ted. (Jumps ) No! 




IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 57 

Corey. Ho, hexcuse me, sir. No hoffense, sir. 
Hi t’inks Hi’m beginning to see somethink, sir. 

Ted. What do you mean? 

Corey. (Slyly) Hi ’ad to practice ha little de¬ 
ception like this to land my own wife, sir. But Hi’s 
always regretted hit, sir. 

Gerald. (Laughs) Possibly Ted will later, too. 

Ted. No! Not with Alice! With any other girl 
but Alice, yes. But Alice is different—there’s never 
been any girl like Alice. 

Gerald. (Laughs) Pooh! pooh! 

Ted. Well, you’re just as bad about Margaret. 

Gerald, jf Seriously) Well, Margaret is differ¬ 
ent. But you only think Alice is. 

Ted. (Laughs) Sour grapes. It’s the other way 
around, isn’t it, Corey? 

Gerald. No, it’s Margaret that’s different, isn’t 
it, Corey? 

Ted. No, it’s Alice. 

Corey. Pardon me, sir, but hif you’s wants me 
to settle hit, sir- 

Gerald and Ted. Yes. 

Corey. W’y, you’s both wrong, sirs. 

Gerald. What! 

Corey. Pardon me, sirs, but Hi’m han older man, 
sirs. Hi’s ’ad hexperihence. 

Gerald. (Laughs) Well, that comes later, of 
course. Now, one thing more about this scheme. 
You understand you are to keep absolutely quiet 
about it ? 

Corey. Hi t’inks yous don’t ’ave to tell me that, 
sir. Hi value my life too ’ighly to tell hanyone 
habout hit, sir. 

Ted. Hey! Here’s Mrs. Chadwick! 

Gerald. Corey! Pretend you’re Mr. Haber, my 
old banking friend. (Grasps Corey’s hand. Enter 
Mrs. Chadwick l.J Well, well, I surely am glad 
to see my old banking friend, Mr. Haber! Oh, how 


58 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

do you do, Mrs. Chadwick! Allow me to introduce 
you to Mr. Haber, president of the—er—People’s 
National Bank—er—who has just returned from a 
rough and tumble hunting trip. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Shakes hands graciously) 
Charmed, I’m sure, to meet you. 

Corey. ’Ow do ye do, marm? 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Surprised) Ah! 

Gerald. (Slaps Corey on back) That’s a pleas- 
any little surprise he has for us all. (To Corey ) 
You have spent a great deal of time in learning the 
Cockney accent, haven’t you, Mr. Haber? 

Corey. Yes, sir. To put hit correctly, Hi’s been 
a-learnin’ the Cockney haccent hever since Hi wus 
knee high to ha grass’opper, marm. (Gerald and 
Ted laugh forcedly.) 

Mrs. Chadwick. Why, I wish to congratulate 
you on your excellent accent. (Laughs.) 

Ted. (To Corey ) To hear you talk, one would 
never imagine that you were a bank president, would 
one? 

Corey. No, sir, hand least hof hall myself, sir. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Laughs) Well, you surely 
can speak the accent perfectly. You must consider 
it a very valuable accomplishment. 

Corey. Hon the contrary, marm, Hi ’u’d give 
hanythink to get rid hof hit. 

Mrs. Chadwick. What? 

Gerald. (Laughs) Oh, he’s only joking, of 
course, Mrs. Chadwick. 

Corey. (Laughs) Yes, yes. Hi wus honly jokin’, 
hof course. Ha, ha! Hit’s werry seldom as Hi’s 
been credited with enough brains for ha joke. Ha, 
ha! Hi’s Henglish born hall right. Ha, ha! 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, are you an Englishman, 
Mr. Haber? 

Corey. Ho ; yes, marm. Hi wus honly a little 
fellow w’en Hi came hacross to this country. 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 59 

Mrs. Chadwick. You don’t say so! And I sup¬ 
pose you’ve been back with your family to visit the 
ancestral home? 

Corey. (Laughs) Well, marm, Hi’s often wanted 
to go back afore the missus died. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh! 

Corey. Hand hif the missus ’ad been willin’ to 
’ave gone back hin steerage, Hi would ’ave been able 
to pay for hit. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh! Oh! 

Gerald. (To Mrs. ChadwickJ He’s a great 
joker. Just laugh. (All laugh.) 

Corey. (Laughs) But Hi’d never let hon to the 
missus w’ere hour hancestral ’ome wus, marm. 

Mrs. Chadwick. No? 

Corey. (Laughs) No, hit wus halways either 
the poor’ouse hor the jail, marm. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh! Oh! 

Ted. You see, Mrs. Chadwick, that although Mr. 
Haber himself is a very highly respected and im¬ 
portant banker, his early life was severely handi¬ 
capped. But think how far he’s risen above that. 

Corey. Yes, has Hi always say w’en Hi’m ’oeing 
the garden, ’ow proud my father’d be to see me. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Hoeing the garden ? 

Ted. (Laughs) That’s Mr. Haber’s favorite pas¬ 
time. He’s picked it up as a diversion from banking. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, I see. 

Corey. (Laughs) Yes, hand hit proves ha werry 
profitable diversion, marm. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Indeed? 

Corey. Yes. Hin ha few years Hi ope to ave 
henough money saved to start ha bank haccount hof 

Gerald. (Laughs) Ha, ha, ha! What a good 
joke! President Haver of the People’s National 
Bank just ready to start a bank account! Ha, ha, ha! 

Corey. Ho, but we’s not so poor has you’s may 


6o IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


t’ink. marm. The hold lady ’ad ha neat little sum 
’idden haway afore she up and died. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Yes, I often hear of bankers’ 
wives having large investments. 

Corey. (Laughs) Hit’s funny, marm, but the 
honly place she ’u’d hinvest ’er sum wus up’ er stock¬ 
ing, marm. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh! (Gerald and Ted laugh.) 

Ted. Another joke ! Ha, ha, ha ! 

Gerald. Yes, yes. Ha, ha, ha! 

Corey. You sees, marm, she never ’ad no use for 
banks, marm. 

Mrs. Chadwick. What? 

Ted. Another joke! Ha, ha, ha! 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, Mr. Haber, I will need a 
banker to look after my property after my death. I 
wonder if you would be willing to execute my will ? 

Corey. W’at’s that, marm? 

Mrs. Chadwick. I wonder if you would be will¬ 
ing to execute my will ? 

Corey. Who his Will, marm? 

Mrs. Chadwick. What? 

Corey. Well, marm, Hi’m not much hof ha ’and 
hat that kind hof business, but hif you wants me to 
hexecute your Will, w’y Hi’ll provide henough rope 
so you’s can ’ang ’im properly. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, oh, oh! How insulting! 

. Ted. Oh—er—ah — he’s very absent-minded at 
times. That’s what makes him say those things. 
Change the subject. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (To TedJ Oh, I see. (To 
Corey ) Oh, you are just returning from a hunting 
trip, Mr. Haber ? ( Corey looks blank. Gerald nods 
and pokes Corey. ) 

Gerald. Yes, he has had a most wonderful ex¬ 
perience hunting up in the mountains. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, yes, with Indian guides? 

Ted. Yes. 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 61 


Mrs. Chadwick. (Does not look at Corey’s feet) 
Oh, I’ve heard about them. How they hunt all their 
game in specially made moccasins that deaden the 
noise of their footsteps. (Gerald gets between Mrs. 
Chadwick and Corey’s feet.) 

Gerald. Yes, yes. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, do tell us what your game 
was? 

Corey. (Blankly) Game, marm? 

Mrs. Chadwick. Yes, what is your favorite big 
game? 

Corey. Cricket, marm. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Cricket! 

Corey. Yes, marm. Hit’s the biggest game hin 
jolly hold Hengland. 

Mrs. Chadwick. What! Do you mean to say 
that English sportsmen hunt crickets? 

Ted. (Laughs) Oh, there’s a little misunder¬ 
standing, that’s all. Mr. Haber is talking about the 
game of cricket. You don’t mean you ever hunted 
crickets, do you? 

Corey. No, sir, Hi ’aven’t. But lately hour ’ouse 
’as been troubled with cockroaches. 

Gerald. Er—he means the servants’ quarters. 

Corey. Yes, sir; that’s where the missus hand 
Hi used to live. 

Ted. Just in summer time, while the rest of the 
house is being repaired. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, I see! (Laughs. Thinks, 
as if trying to remember.) Er—er—when the serv¬ 
ants’ away, the master will play, as the saying goes. 
(Laughs. Gerald and Ted register.) 

Gerald. Yes, yes, that’s it exactly. For another 
appropriate quotation, I might say, “In time of peace, 
prepare for war.” (All laugh. Corey moves, ex¬ 
posing his boots to Mrs. Chadwick, who shows sur¬ 
prise.) 


62 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


Ted. Oh, those boots are the new style Indian 
moccasin. 

Corey. Yes, they’s just the think for wet weather 
hin the garden. Hof course Hi ’ave ha better pair 
than these, but me dog chewed the hend hoff hof one 
hof ’em. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh—er—ah! Oh, the pair of 
Indian moccasins you have on are surely very ser¬ 
viceable. 

Corey. Ho, yes, marm. The best t’ing ’bout these 
wus, the missus could put ’em hon ’erself. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, oh! 

Gerald. Just on hunting parties. Ha, ha! 

Ted. Yes, ha, ha ! 

Corey. Honly they didn’t fit ’er werry good. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Ha, ha! Of course not. 

Corey. No, they wus too small. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh—ah — oh! (Laughs.) Oh, 
I see you are a great joker, Mr. Haber. 

Corey. Yes, marm, hif Hi’s hever hout hat ha 
party w’ere there’s one short hin the fun making, 
the boys hall say that Hi supply the missing link. 
(Laughs.) 

Mrs. Chadwick. Yes. Of course it is brains that 
make the difference between a banker and a common 
laborer. 

Corey. Yes, marm. Hand hif Hi do say hit me- 
self, hit’s ha shame that Hi ’ad so lettle heducation, 
hor there s no telling but Hi might ’ave made ha 
banker. 

Mrs. Chadwick. What? What? Aren’t you a 
banker? 

Gerald. Oh, he doesn’t call himself a banker. 
He is really something better. He is— er—a finan¬ 
cier. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, I see. 

(Enter Aunt l. Gerald jumps up and down in 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 63 


front of Aunt, keeping Aunt from seeing 
Corey. Ted rushes Corey out at r.) 

Gerald. Oh, Auntie, look at the beautiful ceil¬ 
ing! The ceiling! The beautiful ceiling! 

Aunt. (Looks at ceiling) Why, what is there 
about that? I don’t see anything. 

Gerald. No, but a moment ago you would have. 

Aunt. Oh, Gerald, Mr x s. Chadwick and your 
Auntie have something very important to discuss. 
If you will—er—er- 

Gerald. Gladly, Auntie. I will gladly “err.” 
(Exits r.J 

Aunt. What? Oh, ah! (To Mrs. Chadwick) 
Now, Gertrude, I want to talk to you about Gerald 
and Gloria. I am determined that they shall an¬ 
nounce their engagement before Gerald is twenty- 
one. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Pafs Aunt) I am very glad 
to hear you say that, dear. Very glad. 

Aunt. Yes, and I have no doubt but that Gloria 
will know how to manage that ten million to her best 
advantage. 

Mrs. Chadwick. No doubt whatever, dear. 

Aunt. Now, Gertrude. Er—I must be very frank 
with you. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Yes, Agnes. 

Aunt. An urgent need requires urgent meas¬ 
ures. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Yes, dear. There is a quotation 
to that effect, but I can’t quite recall it. 

Aunt. Never mind, Gertrude. Gerald will be 
twenty-one exactly at midnight. He was. born at 
midnight—and the responsibility of reconciling him 
to Gloria before that time rests with us. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Have you anything to suggest, 
Agnes ? 

Aunt. I have indeed. I know how to make a 



64 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

man fall quickly in love with a girl. It worked beau¬ 
tifully in my own case. 

Mrs. Chadwick. What is that, dear? 

Aunt. Er—make arrangements for a hired man 
to pretend to rob the premises. Have him invade 
this room in the dead of nierht, and then we will call 
Gerald and tell him the girls are in danger. In the 
meantime the girls will be roused from bed. 

Mrs. Chadwick. You mean tell him there’s a 
burglar in the house? 

Aunt. No, indeed. That might frighten Gerald 
so he’d run away. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Well? 

Aunt. Er—tell him the' girls are in danger and 
that he must rush to their assistance. Now, Gerald 
has a bright-colored—er—er—bathrobe that he wears 
when he is—er—er—in night attire. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Yes. 

Aunt. And when Gloria sees him coming, al¬ 
though it will be dark, she can—er—er— distinguish 
Gerald by the robe. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Yes, and Gloria will know what 
to do. I’ve trained her well. 

Aunt. Yes, and I will—er—instruct the man I 
hire as the burglar to cringe before Gerald, dressed 
in the bright-colored bathrobe, and then—if Gloria 
plays her part well, Gerald should be relieved of all 
concern about the ten million. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Agnes, you’re a splendid 
schemer. Who will you get for the burglar? 

Aunt. Some inoffensive person—Corey, my gard- 
ner, will do. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Do you think he would—er— 
agree to do it? 

Aunt. Well, I will promise him that if he does 
his work successfully, I shall give him one hundred 
dollars by this time tomorrow. And if he hesitates, 
I will threaten to discharge him. 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 65 

Mrs. Chadwick. I hope he will be agreeable. 

Aunt. He will. Most men do as I say, rather 
than argue with me. I am very proud of it. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Er—my dear, there is one thing 
about which we must be extremely cautious. 

Aunt. What is that? 

Mrs. Chadwick. Er—it is very evident that Myr¬ 
tle and Irene are very willing to become engaged to 
Gerald—before he’s twenty-one. Now, do you not 
think there is danger of their—er—taking advantage 
of this opportunity we have planned for Gloria—er— 
for pressing their own claims? 

Aunt. That’s more than likely. But I know what 
we can do. We shall tell them frankly that they are 
not to interfere, and that if they do, we will—er— 
make their life unbearable and—er—scandalize them 
out of society. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Good. We’ll tell them that if 
we as much as see them alone with Gerald, or his 
chum, Ted, for that matter, that that is the fate 
awaiting them. 

(Enter Gloria, Myrtle and Irene at l., talking 
ad lib.) 

Gloria. (To her mother) Oh. Mama, we had a 
wonderful time. Everything was lovely at the club. 
The only trouble was, Gerald wasn’t there. 

Irene. Yes, he told me he was coming. (Gloria 
eyes Irene .) 

Myrtle. Yes, I thought he understood I’d meet 
him there. (Gloria % and Irene eye Myrtle .) 

Aunt. (Nods to Mrs. Chadwick ) Now, girls, I 
have a big secret for you! 

All Girls. A secret! Oh, do tell us! 

Aunt. (Smiles , puts finger wisely to tips) It’s 
about Gloria—and her lover, Gerald. (Irene and 
Myrtle snort.) Now, Gerald has become a little 


66 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

obstinate lately, and just purely on account of his 
peculiar temperament, he refuses to press his—er— 
engagement. But—er—he will. Listen. Tonight, 
girls, a masked man will break into the house. 

All Girls. Oh, how thrilling! 

Gloria. I bet it’s Gerald! 

Aunt. No, it isn’t. It will be a burglar. 

All Girls. Oh! 

Aunt. But he will be perfectly harmless, girls. 
He will be hired to do as he’s told. 

All Girls. Oh! 

Aunt. He will collect all the silver and then he 
will make you get out of bed, to show him your hid¬ 
den jewel boxes and so forth. 

All Girls. Oh, oh! 

Myrtle. I’m not going to let my hair down to¬ 
night. 

Irene. Nor I either! 

Gloria. I think I’ll wear my pink silk night¬ 
dress. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Don’t—it won’t match well with 
Gerald’s pajamas. 

Gloria. What, Mama? 

Mrs. Chadwick. That comes later—you explain, 
Agnes. 

Aunt. While the burglar is thus engaged in rifl¬ 
ing your jewels, we will see to it that Gerald is 
aroused, and he will come rushing in, doubtlessly 
clad in his bright-colored bathrobe. 

All Girls. Oh! Oh! 

Aunt. And I have instructed the burglar to be 
very frightened at Gerald’s appearance, and to run— 
at the proper moment. (Smiles at Gloria. ) And 
now, Gloria, comes your part. You are to —er— 
embrace the opportunity—and—er—Gerald, too. Is 
my meaning clear? 

Gloria. Yes, I think I know what you mean. 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 67 

Aunt. Very well, and we will—er—er—leave— 
er—the rest to you. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (To Gloria,) I’m sure the 
other girls will be anxious to help. Won’t you, 
dears ? 

Myrtle and Irene. (Eye each other) Oh, yes. 

Mrs. Chadwick. That’s very sweet of you, dears. 

Aunt. But let me warn you. If you don’t, means 
will be taken to make you regret your failure to—er 
—cooperate with Gloria in this matter. I mean that 
if you don’t cooperate there are ways and means by 
which we can make your present social positions un¬ 
tenable. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Yes, girls, we mean it. Ger¬ 
ald is Gloria’s by right, and if we as much as see you 
alone with either Gerald or Theodore, you will have 
to answer for it. 

Aunt. Yes. Is that perfectly clear, girls? 

Myrtle and Irene. (Eye each other) It is. 

Aunt. Very well, then, there is just one more 
thing. While the burglar is in here, you girls are to 
do exactly as he requests you to do. 

All Girls. We will. 

Aunt. Yes, be obliging and help him out. Come, 
Gertrude, I must attend to the burglar right away. 
(Exits R.) 

Gloria. (Runs after Mrs. Chadwick,) Oh, 
Mama, I feel so happy! (Exits r.) 

Myrtle. (Eyes Irene ) Well, what do you know 
about that? 

Irene. Huh! I like their nerve! To expect us 
not only to stand aside, but to help Gloria! I won¬ 
der if they don’t think we’d like ten million our¬ 
selves. 

Myrtle. Irene, I tell you what we’ll do! There 
isn’t much chance of our getting Gerald’s money for 
ourselves, but I know what we can do. 

Irene. What ? (Smiles.) 




68 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Myrtle. (Laughs) See that Gloria and her 
scheming mother don’t get it. We’ll spoil their pud¬ 
ding for them. 

Irene. Good! You and I will pull together, 
Myrtle. 

Myrtle. We will! Now let’s make a clean breast 
of our own plans to each other. 

Irene. All right. I’ll start it. Do you know 
what I did this morning? 

Myrtle. What ? 

Irene. But first will you promise never to tell ? 

Myrtle. Why, Irene! Of course! You know 
I never tell a secret. 

Irene. Well, I accepted a proposal. 

Myrtle. You don’t say so! Is he good looking? 

Irene. Certainly. Otherwise I wouldn’t have ac¬ 
cepted. 

Myrtle. Do you love him ? 

Irene. I’m not sure. But that doesn’t make any 
difference anyway. He proposed so beautifully I 
didn’t have the heart to refuse him. 

Myrtle. Do you know, I did the same thing this 
morning, too. 

Irene. What? 

Myrtle. Fact. I’m engaged, too. 

Irene. Oh, Myrtle, you don’t mean it! (They 
kiss.) Who’s the lucky fellow? 

Myrtle. Ted. 

Irene. What? 

Myrtle. What ? 

Irene. (Sniffles) Oh, oh, oh! Why, I’m en¬ 
gaged to Ted! 

Myrtle. What! 

Irene. (Crys) He—he—proposed to me this 
morning. 

Myrtle. Well, I’ll be blowed—oh—excuse me— 
I—I mean astonished. Come, Irene, there’s not a 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 69 

bit of use crying over it. You said you didn’t love 
him. 

Irene. (Crys) N —no, but that’s not it. 

Myrtle. Well, what is it? 

Irene. (Crys) To—to think that he would pro¬ 
pose to you! 

Myrtle. Oh, come, Irene. I’m beginning to get 
a little light on the subject. Probably Ted proposed 
to us to help Gerald out. 

Irene. Oh, I bet that’s just what it is! 

Myrtle. Surely that’s it! And the poor dear 
thought when we accepted him that we would have 
to leave Gerald alone. (Both laugh.) 

Irene. He can’t know girls very well if he thought 
that. 

Myrtle. No. 

(Gerald and Ted enter at r., stop , and start to rush 
out r.J 

Irene and Myrtle. Oh! Come here! 

Myrtle. We have something very important to 
tell you! 

Irene. Don’t be afraid—we don’t want to marry 
either of you. 

T ed. (Jumps) What ? 

Gerald. (Still near door r.J What is it? 

Myrtle. There’s a plot — to get you engaged to 
Gloria! ( Gerald and Ted laugh.) 

Ted. We knew that before. 

Irene. Oh, Teddy—we’ve guessed why you pro¬ 
posed to both of us this morning. 

Ted. What! (Jumps r.) I’m going! 

Irene. Stop him, Gerald! 

Myrtle. We’re not angry. (Gerald catches 
Ted.) 

Ted. What! 

Irene. We see it all now. Ted just proposed to 


70 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

us two girls because he thought Gerald would be safe, 
didn’t you, Ted? 

Ted. I must admit you’re right. 

Myrtle. (Pats Ted on back) That’s all right, 
Ted, old top! No hard feelings at all. 

Irene. (To Ted^ But if you thought that merely 
being engaged to another would keep Gerald free— 
why, you still have a lot to learn about girls. (Ted 
jumps.) 

Myrtle. (To TedJ Yes, I guess you haven’t 
had much experience with girls, have you? (Ger¬ 
ald laughs.) 

Irene. Oh, Gerald, listen! (Gerald jumps and 
stops laughing immediately.) Do you know what 
your aunt and Gloria and her mother have up their 
sleeve ? 

Gerald. No, what? 

Myrtle. They’re going to hire a burglar to come 
here tonight, and you’re supposed to rescue Gloria 
and propose to her. 

Gerald. (Bus. with TedJ Did you ever hear 
the likes of that? 

Ted. Tell us all about it. 

Irene. Well, your aunt said the burglar was to 
be a fake, and he was to run as soon as Gloria had 
fallen in your arms, and you had proposed. (Ted 
and Gerald look at each other.) 

Gerald. Does my aunt know that I am expecting 
the burglar? 

Myrtle and Irene. Oh, no. 

Irene. That’s supposed to be a secret. 

Gerald. Really? You mean—you mean that this 
scheme is entirely original on my aunt’s part ? 

Myrtle. Yes, why? 

Gerald. (Laughs. Business with Ted) Oh, noth¬ 
ing. I was just wondering. 

Irene. And Gloria’s mother had the nerve to 
think that we would help Gloria. 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 71 

Ted. (Laughs) Some people have more nerve 
than brains. 

Gerald.- Ah—er—do Margaret and Alice—er— 
know about this? 

Irene. No, none of the girls beside Gloria. 

Myrtle. But we’re not going to help Gloria. If 
you don’t want to propose to anyone else before your 
twenty-first birthday— (Gerald jumps back) —we’ll 
make sure that you don’t do it to Gloria. 

Irene. Yes, and do you know what your aunt 
and Mrs. Chadwick said ? 

Gerald. No, what? 

Irene. That if they as much as caught us two 
with you two alone, they would drive us out of so¬ 
ciety. So you see what risks we’re running. 

Gerald. You two girls are bricks. I could hug 
both of you. 

Irene. Well, why don’t you? (Gerald jumps.) 

Ted. He’d like to, only he’s afraid you’d take it 
as a proposal. 

Myrtle. (Laughs) It must be terrible to be popu- 
lar. 

Gerald. Yes, girls, it is terrible. I’ve had to be 
a regular hermit because I’m always afraid of that. 
It’s terrible—you don’t know how many times I’ve 
longed to be able really to hug a girl before I’m 
twenty-one. 

Irene. Poor Gerald! 

Gerald. Ah—er—ah—er— (Goes to. Irene. ) If 
I should—ah—er—you wouldn’t take it for an en¬ 
gagement ? 

Irene. (Shakes head) Provided you dont get 
engaged to Gloria. 

Gerald. By George, I will! 

All. What ? 

Gerald. Not get engaged to Gloria, but—but— 
(Takes Irene to sofa. Irene sits on his lap. Ger¬ 
ald takes deep breath.) My, but this is glorious! 


72 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Ted. Oh, say- (Whispers to Myrtle.,) 

Myrtle. Well, you wouldn’t let me stay out in 
the cold, would you? (Ted takes Myrtle to sofa. 
Myrtle sits on his lap. Gerald leans over and anx¬ 
iously whispers to Ted, who laughs.) What is it, 
Teddie? 

Ted. (Laughs) He wants to know if it would 
be all right to kiss Irene. My, but he’s green! 

Irene*. (Coyly) What did Gerald want to do ? 

Ted. (Laughs) Now you’ve got to, Gerald. 

Gerald. (To Irene ) Can I? Really? (Irene 
nods.) My, but this is fine! (Gerald kisses Irene 
and Ted kisses Myrtle as Aunt and Mrs. Chad¬ 
wick enter l. Gerald and Ted spring up.) 

Aunt and Mrs. Chadwick. Oh! Gerald Don¬ 
aldson ! 


CURTAIN 


ACT III 


Scene : Same as Act I. 

Time: Midnight. 

(At rise of curtain, stage is dark. Enter Togan with 
burglar's equipment.) 

Togan. Ssst, Slade! Come in. (Enter Slade 

l.) 

Slade. (Looks at watch) Say, it’s only half¬ 
past eleven. We’re foolish ter try ter rob a house so 
early. 

Togan. Ah, shh! Talk low. (Togan and Slade 
creep cautiously around room, ransacking every¬ 
thing.) 

Slade. I guess dere ain’t notting in here. 
Togan. (Opens drawer containing silver) Hey! 
Look here! 

Slade. Oh, baby! We nearly missed it! (They 
put silver in kit and go R .) 

Togan. (Points* R. ) What’s out dere? 

Slade. I dunno. Probably de dining-room. 

(Stage lights up. Enter Gloria, Myrtle and Irene. 
at r., dressed in negligees.) 

Togan and Slade. (Point guns) Hands up! 
(Girls giggle and raise hands.) 

Gloria. Oh, hello! We turned the lights on from 
the hall. 

Togan. Put ’em out—quick! 

73 



74 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Gloria. Oh, nobody can see us. See, the shades 
are all down. 

Irene. No, it’s perfectly safe to leave the lights 
on. 

Togan. W—wh—what? 

Myrtle. Really, have we got to hold our hands 
up? It’s awfully tiresome. 

Togan and Slade. Wh— wh—what? (Look at 
each other.) 

Myrtle. Besides, how can we help you find our 
jewels like this? (Togan and Slade swallow, bus.) 

Irene. Come, don’t waste time like this. We 
want to help you as much as we can. (Togan and 
Slade jump.) 

Gloria. Yes, Mama made us promise we’d do 
anything you say. 

Togan. (Hoarsely) Say, Slade, are real ladies 
always as polite as dat, or is we in a bug house ? 

Slade. I—I don’t know what dey means. But 
keep yer eyes open. 

Togan. You bet! 

Slade. (To Girls ) See here—keep quiet! 

(Girls nod.) 

Slade. (To TqganJ Dey suttenly is mighty 
obliging. (To Girls ) Now don’t get scaret—we 
ain’t goin’ ter hurt youse. 

Myrtle and Irene. Why, of course not. 

Gloria. Oh, yes, you are. You want to treat me 
very roughly. Don’t you remember? (Togan and 
Slade register.) 

Slade. Now see here, ladies. We wants you to 

shell out all yer sparklers — or if ye don’t- (Taps 

gun. Girls all show jewelry in hands and rush 
toward Slade .) 

Gloria. Why, surely, we have them all ready for 
you. 

Myrtle. Here’s my diamond pendant. (Puts it 
in Togan’s hand.) 




IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 75 

Irene. And here’s my ruby ring. (Puts it in 
Slade’s hand.) 

Gloria. (Pushing forward) Do look at my pearl 
necklace! Isn’t it a beauty? (Tries to put it in 
Slade’s hand. Slade jumps back, dropping all jew¬ 
elry. Togan does likewise.) 

Girls. Why, what’s the matter? 

Irene. They don’t think it’s necessary to take 
them. (Picks up jewelry.) 

Gloria. Oh, yes, but it is. I want this robbery 
to be real. (Girls advance on Togan and SladeJ 
Here, you must take them. Mama would be angry if 
you didn’t. 

Irene. Here’s the jewelry you dropped. 

Togan. Ah! (Jumps back.) 

Irene. Do take it. (Gives the jewelry to Slade.,) 

Myrtle. Here are three bracelets. (Takes brace¬ 
lets off arm and puts them in Togan’s hand. Myr¬ 
tle goes to stand and gets jewel box.) 

Gloria. Yes, and here are three more valu¬ 
able than those. (Myrtle registers. Gloria takes 
three bracelets off arm and tries to hand them to 
Togan and Slade, who both refuse. Gloria puts 
them in Togan’s pocket.) 

Togan. Hey! 

Myrtle. (Returns with jewel box) Here you 
are. Everything else is in this box. We got it ready 
this afternoon. (Holds box up to both Togan and 
SladeJ 

Togan and Slade. Ah! (Myrtle still holds 
box.) 

Irene. Oh, yes, and do take this money. (Of¬ 
fers Togan big bankroll.) I got it out of the bank 
just on purpose. 

Togan. Ah—ah—ah! (Jumps back.) 

Irene. Oh, don’t be so afraid. Do take it. 
(Presses roll in Togan’s hand, who drops it. Irene 


76 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

picks it up, and presses it in his hand carefully. 
Togan swallows and looks at Slade.) 

Myrtle. Well, it isn’t gentlemanly to stand there 
and not take this jewelry box. 

Slade. See here! Ye can’t fool us like dis! I 
sees yer game. Dis jewelry ain’t real—ye’re ‘passin’ 
out counterfeits. (Holds up pearl necklace.) 

Gloria. Oh, oh! You horrid thing! Nobody but 
Mama knew it wasn’t real! 

Myrtle and Irene. What? 

Slade. I fought so! Come on, now, I don’t 
want dis wort’less junk—I wants der real goods. 

Myrtle. (Whispers) Irene! 

Irene. What ? 

Myrtle. How does he know my diamond pen¬ 
dant’s made of glass ? 

Irene. Shh! I don’t know, dear. Perhaps Mrs. 
Chadwick told him. 

Myrtle. Well, if she did, I can tell you that 
everything she wears is false. Why, even her smile 
is false. 

Togan. Come on now. We see der trick. Tell us 
where all de valuables in de house is. 

Gloria. Everything ? 

Slade. Yep, everyt’ing. And be quick about it, 
too- 

Gloria. Well, let me see. Gerald’s aunt keeps 
all her cash in that drawer. (Points to drawer.) 

Togan. (Goes to drawer and looks in it) Aw, 
come off dat stuff. Dere ain’t not’ing in it. (Goes 
to Gloria.) 

Gloria. Yes, but there’s a false bottom. Let me 
show you. (Takes Togan’s hand and goes to drawer. 
Bus.) There, don’t you see? (Togan jumps.) A 
real burglar would have discovered it. (Hands 
money to Togan.) 

Slade. What else’s loose? 




IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 77 

Gloria. Well, let me see. You have all the sil¬ 
ver? 

Slade. All we saw. (Gloria inspects silver.) 

Gloria. Yes, that’s all of it. Now I can’t think 
of anything else. Can you, girls ? 

Myrtle. Oh; yes, I think your mother has your 
father’s railroad bonds here somewhere. 

Gloria. Oh, yes, thatVright. She has. (Starts 
l.) Wait a minute. 

Togan. (To Gloria,) Where’re yer goin’? 

Gloria. I’m going to ask Mama where the bonds 
are. (Togan and Slade look at each other and 
shake heads.) 

Slade. (To Gloria) Hey! Come back here, 
or I’ll wad ye wid dis! (Taps gun. Gloria re¬ 
turns. ) 

Gloria. You should speak more politely. 

Togan and Slade. Huh ? (Bus. with each other.) 

Myrtle. Oh, no, that’s all right, Gloria. He was 
only pretending. 

Irene. (To Togan and Slade,) Yes, your acting 
is excellent. Really both of you are showing very 
good ability. Have vou ever done anything? 

Togan. Yes’m. We’s both done ten years. 

Irene. (Laughs) Oh, listen to that language, 
girls! Really, you’d think they were both expert 
burglars! 

Slade. (Insulted) Say, miss, we’s just as good 
burglars as dere’s in de trade. Don’t insult us. 

Myrtle. Oh, that’s all right. You’re doing fine. 

Togan and Sladb. Huh? 

Gloria. Oh, yes, indeed. Gerald’s aunt will be 
delighted to see you. 

Togan and Slade. Huh? 

Slade. Who’s she ? 

Gloria. The lady who invited you here. 

Slade. What? (Takes gun. to Togan,) Say, 

/ 


• f 

78 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

hev ye double-crossed me? I t’ought dere wus some¬ 
thing funny about dis! 

Togan. Huh ? (Takes gun.) Aw, it’s you what’s 
double crossed me! No lady invited me here. 

Slade. Huh ? 

Togan. Huh? (Both register.) Say, Slade, 
what’s de use uv dis? We knows each uv us is an 
honest man. (Both put guns hack.) 

Togan. I’d hate ter t’ink ye were crooked. (In¬ 
dicates girls.). But what about dem? 

Slade. I don’t know. I t’inks we had better lock 
’em in de room out dere. (Points R.) 

Togan. (Nods) Now, ladies, we’s got ter ask ye 
ter put up yer fins ag’in. ( Girls raise hands.) 

Gloria. If you think best. 

Togan. And what’s more, keep ’em up! (Taps 
gun dangerously.) Or if ye don’t, I’ll, shoot! " 

Girls. (Admiringly) Splendid! 

Myrtle. Aren’t they doing well? I tell you, 
you’re born actors. 

Togan. (Angry) Keep still, dere! 

Girls. Oh! Oh! 

Irene. Isn’t he impolite! 

Slade. (Points gun) Now see here. All you 
young ladies git back inter yer room, and keep quiet 
fer half an hour. 

Togan. Yep, if you’s as much as lets out one 
whisper, we’ll pump ye all full of lead. (Goes R .) 
Back up, dere! 

Gloria. (Goes to ToganJ Oh, you don’t under¬ 
stand. You want to be real rough to me. 

Togan. (Roughly) Git back, dere! 

Slade. Wid de rest uv de nuts! 

Gloria. What ? But you don’t under- 

Togan. Git back, dere! 

Gloria. (Sniffles) Sir! I’ll tell Mama on you, 
and I’m sure she’ll have you discharged. 






IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 79 

Togan. Huh? (Girls and Togan exit r. off 
stage.) Back in dat room dere. 

Gloria. (Off stage rJ But don’t you want Mama’s 
bonds ? 

Togan. I’ll git ’em meself. (Enter Togan rJ 
I locked ’em in de room dere. 

(Heavy footsteps l. Enter Corey, zvearing heavy 
hoots as in Act II. Corey is dressed ridiculously 
as burglar, with shotgun strapped across shoul¬ 
der, and carrying lit lantern in one hand and 
slippers and flashlight in other.) 

Corey. (Sets down lantern, indicates slippers) Hi 
t’ought Hi wouldn’t put these hon afore Hi got ’ere. 
(Togan and Slade cover Corey with guns.) Ho! 
(Drops everything.) 

Togan. Hands up, dere! (Corey raises hands.) 
Frisk him, Slade. 

Slade. (Searches Corey ) Who are ye? Tell de 
truth now. 

Corey. (Swallows) Your ’onor, Hi’s han hin- 
nocent gardener. 

Togan. Huh? (Both register.) 

Slade. (Examines gun) Say, dis gun is loaded 
wid beans! 

Togan. What? (Slade sets shotgun in corner.) 
Slade. (Searches Corey, and takes out silk stock¬ 
ing) Hey, what’s dis? 

Corey. Ho, sir, Hi brought that to carry haway 
the silver hin. 

Slade. And w’at’s dis? (Takes out enormous 
bomb from Corey’s pocket.) 

Corey. (Swallows) Please, your ’onor, Hi thought 
hall burglars wore bombs. 

Slade. Ye did, hey ? Well, ye’ll git anodder t’ink 
cornin’. Come over here. (Drags Corey down c. 
Togan comes up with rope.) 


8o IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


Corey. ( Swallows) Ho! Pardon me, sir, but 
w’at his the rope for? 

Togan. Ye’ll see in a minute. (Togan and Slade 
bind Corey. ) 

Corey. Ho, sirs, but Hi’s hafraid your ’onors 
don’t hunderstand. Hi wus just han ’onest man, 
’oping to pick hup ha few hextra dollars by bein’ ha 
burglar. 

# Slade. Dat’s all right, but a good burglar don’t 
pick a house what’s already been robbed. 

Corey. Ho, ho, ho, sir! Do you mean you’re 
real thieves? 

Slade. What! 

Togan. He must be nutty, too. (Corey is 
bound . Corey sniffles.) 

Slade. Cut it out! 

. Corey. ( Sniffles) Ho, ho, sir! Hi can’t but t’ink, 
sir, hif-my wife should see me now, sir, w’at ’u’dtshe 
say, sir! (Corey shivers. Enter Ted and Gerald 
l.. Ted and Gerald may have on smoking jackets. 
Gerald has sport colored bathrobe.) 

Ted. (Cheerfully) Oh, hello! 

Togan and Slade. (Take guns out) Hands up! 
(Ted and Gerald raise hands.) 

Ted. Say, you don’t understand. You are sup¬ 
posed to be afraid of me. 

Togan and Slade. (Jump) Huh? 

Slade. Anodder nut! 

ALD ‘ Ted; Oh, I see what they mean. 

They re waiting for you to go over and cow them 
before they run. 

Corey. (With back to Ted and Gerald; Ho 
dear! Ho, dear! (Business. Togan and Slade 
look at CoreyJ 

Ted. No, I don’t want to frighten them off till 
Alice comes out. 

Gerald. But you can rehearse now. 

Ted. So I can. (Goes to Togan and Slade — 




IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR Si 


dramatically) Say! You vile wretches—you scum 
of the earth! 

Togan and Slade. Huh? 

Ted. Begone! Both of you! (Waves arms. 
Does not look at Togan and Slade, who walk tozvard 

him with guns.) If you don’t, I will- (Sees 

Togan and Slade. Jumps and swallows.) Ah- 

Togan. Stick up dem fins uv yours, little boy! 

Ted. Ah! (Swallows and raises hands.) 

Slade. Let’s see what yer got. (Searches Ted. 
Feels something on inside pocket.) What’s dat 1 

Ted. Oh, don’t take that out, please. (Slade 
takes out marriage license.) 

Togan. What is it, Slade? 

Slade. A marriage license. What were ye doin’ 
wid dat? 

Ted. What was I doing with that? Well, don’t 
you know what you’re here for? 

Togan. You bet we does. 

Ted. Well, aren’t you Corey’s great uncles or 
something ? 

Slade. What? Who’s Corey? 

Ted and Gerald. What? (Ted and Gerald look 
at each other.) 

Slade. What ? 

Ted. Oh—er—nothing. 

Gerald. (Softly) No—nothing. 

Corey. (Sniffles. To Gerald,) Ho, sir. Wus 
this ha part hof the plot, sir? See w’at han hun- 
fortunate condition Hi’s hin, sir. 

Slade. (To Corey,) Pipe down, there, you! (To 
Ted,) Line up alongside uv him. 

Ted. (Meekly goes to Corey,) Yes, sir. (Ger¬ 
ald laughs at Ted.,) 

Slade. (Wheel on Gerald,) You, too! 

Gerald. (Meekly goes to TedJ Yes, sir. 

Togan. (Searches Gerald,) Let’s see what you’s 


82 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


got on you. What’s dis? (Takes out girl’s picture.) 

Gerald. Oh, please don’t take that. 

Ted. Margaret’s picture! (Togan tosses picture 
on floor near Gerald, who tries to secretly reach it 
with his foot.) 

Corey. Ho, Mister Gerald, Hi’s—Hi’s so werry 
cold! (Shivers.) 

Gerald. Say, Mr.—Mr.—er—Income Tax Gath¬ 
erer ! 

Togan. Huh? 

Gerald. This gentleman at my left is catching 
his death of cold. He’s not used to night parties like 
this. Would you mind letting him wear my bath¬ 
robe? 

Togan. Aw- 

Slade. Sure, let him. He’s likely ter shake de 
plaster down. 

Togan. All right. (Puts bathrobe around 
Corey.J 

Corey. (Mournfully) Thank you, sir. 

Togan. Aw, pipe down. 

Slade. Togan, you keep dem birds quiet, while I 
collect dese. (Gathers jewels.) 

Togan. All right. (Looks at Slade more than 
Ted and Gerald .) Dere’s one under de table dere. 
(Slade picks bracelet up from under table.) 

Gerald. (Out of side of mouth) I say, Ted. 

Ted. (Out of side of mouth) Yes? 

Gerald. They’re real thieves, aren’t they ? 

Togan. (To TedJ What? 

Ted. I say, my good man- 

Togan. Aw, cut out de blarney. 

Ted. There’s a little misunderstanding here. 

Togan and Slade. (Jump) What? 

Ted. You see, we are—er—two thieves ourselves. 

Togan and Slade. What? 






IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 83 

Gerald. Yes, we steal girls’ pictures and mar¬ 
riage licenses as our specialty. 

Ted. Yes. We are—er—two poor young men, 
trying to earn our way honestly through college. 

Corey. W’at’s that, sir? (Registers.) ’E wus 
to give me one ’undred dollars. ’Ow can ’e hif ’e’s 
poor?. (Gerald secretly kicks Corey .) 

Slade. What’s dat? 

Ted. That’s what we are—two green young 
burglars. 

Gerald. Yes, and we’d like to go into partner¬ 
ship with you. 

Togan and Slade. Huh? 

Ted. Yes. We don’t want to compete against you. 

Gerald. No, we don’t want to run you out of 
business. 

Togan. Huh! A lot of danger! 

Gerald. Well, would you mind teaching us? 

Slade. What d’ye say, Togan? 

Togan. Well, I dunno. (To TedJ Ye say ye’re 
two poor fellers workin’ yer way through college? 

Ted. Yes. 

Corey. (Weeps) Ho, my ’undred dollars! 

Gerald. (Kicks Corey ) Shut up! 

Corey. (Weeps—to Gerald ) Hand now ’e kicks 
me hin the bargain hin the be’ind! 

Gerald. Shut up! I’ll give you more than that, 
to boot. 

Togan. Poor devils, wasting deir time in college. 
I might have gone to college meself if I hadn’t been 
lucky enough ter git dis position. 

Slade. Well, Togan, seein’ as dese guys say dey’re 
workin’ deir way through college, I suppose we orter 
help ’em out. 

Togan. Dat’s what I say. Specially since they 
hain’t asked us ter buy somet’ing. 

Slade. All right, den. Come here, you two guys. 
We’ll admit ye into de burglars’ brotherhood. ( Shake 


84 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

hands.) We hope ye’ll turn out ter be active and 
useful members. 

Gerald and Ted. Yes, yes. 

Corey. (Sniffles) Ho, ho, sirs! Hi’s hashamed 
to ’ave known you, sirs. 

Slade. (To ToganJ Say, take that —(Points to 
Corey )— waterspout— (Corey registers) —out and 
lock him in a room. One uv you young fellers bet¬ 
ter go wid Togan and see what ye can dig up. 

Gerald. I’ll go. 

Togan. (To Corey/ Come dis way, Niagara 
Falls. (Togan, Gerald and Corey leave r.J 

(Enter Aunt and Mrs. Chadwick l.) 

Slade. (Takes gun) Hands up! 

Aunt and Mrs. Chadwick. (Bored—raise hands) 
Oh, certainly. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Laughs) Isn’t this amusing? 

Aunt. (Laughs) Yes, you’d think he meant it. 

Slade. (Jumps) Hey! (Enter Togan r.) 

Togan. What’s up? 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, I thought you only got one 
burglar. 

Aunt. So I did! It’s very peculiar. (Sees 
Ted.J Oh, oh! Theodore! What? Why—what, 
is Gerald here? 

Ted. Madam, who are you ? We are total strang¬ 
ers. My name is Guzzbug. 

Aunt and Mrs. Chadwick. What? 

Slade. Pipe down dere. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Nods encouragingly) Splen¬ 
did, my man! You’re acting is very fine. 

Togan. Huh? No, I t’ink one uv you’s got some 
railroad bonds. Fork ’em over. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Laughs) Oh, bless my soul! 
If they don’t want to use my husband’s railroad 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 85 

bonds! Now see, Agnes, how wise I was to bring 
them here. My husband didn’t want me to. 

Togan. Come on now, where is dey? 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, do you really want them? 

Togan. Aw- 

Mrs. Chadwick. I’ll be very glad to get them 
for you if they’ll be of any use to you. (Starts l.) 

Aunt. I’ll get the girls up. 

Mrs. Chadwick. All right, dear. 

Slade. Pardon me, but I’ll go wid ye fur dem 
bonds. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Smiles) Charmed, I’m sure. 

(Slade jumps. He and Mrs. Chadwick leave at l. 

Aunt goes r.J 

Togan. (To Aunt,) Hey! (Points gun.) 

Aunt. Oh! You do that very realistically! Er, 
I am going out to call the young ladies. You know 
they’re necessary— (Laughs.) You are here to get 
their jewels, you know. 

Togan. Huh? (Aunt goes R.j I’ll go wid ye. 

Aunt. Very well, you may come out in the hall, 
but I can’t allow you in the girls’ room. 

Togan. (Jumps) Huh? (Aunt and Togan 
leave r. Enter Gerald r.J 

Gerald. (To TedJ Gee, but Auntie nearly saw 
me. I just ducked in time. 

(Enter Alice, Margaret and Togan rJ 

Togan. (Pushing in Alice and MargaretJ Git 
in dere—and keep still. (Alice and Margaret ter¬ 
rified. They see Ted and Gerald and try to leave 
r. ) Git in dere! (Togan pushes them hack. To 
Gerald and Ted) Hey, buddies! Keep an eye on 
dese two. (To Alice and MargaretJ Pardon me, 


86 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


ladies, but— (Points to Ted and Gerald,) —dese two 
fellers are apprentice burglars- 

Margaret. Burglars! Alice, those reports were 
true! 

Togan. Yep, dey’re helping us on dis job. 

Margaret. (To Gerald) Shame on you! 

Togan. (To Alice and Margaret ) You do just 
as dey tell ye to. Understand? (To Gerald and 
Ted) I’m watching out in de hall, buddies. (Exits 
r. Margaret and Alice stand r. Gerald and Ted 
stand c. Picture. Gerald and Ted go to them and 
take them down stage c.) 

Ted. Alice, you must listen to me now. They’re 
real burglars here, and you can’t get away. 

Alice. That’s the only reason why I’m listening. 

Ted. Oh! (Swallows.) Ah—er—Alice, you 

don’t understand how it happened. 

Alice. (Icily) Anybody that would propose to 
four girls at one time should remain a bachelor. 

Ted.. Alice! You’re terribly sarcastic. Listen to 
me, Alice. I—I did it for your sake! 

Alice. That’s sarcasm. 

Ted. No, it isn’t. It’s the truth! 

Gerald. He’s right, Alice. I’m to blame. (Mar¬ 
garet starts to leave Gerald.) 

Margaret. (To Gerald) I hate you more than 
ever now. 

Gerald. (Holds Margaret) You must stay. 
Remember the thieves. 

Margaret. Yes, shame on you—to help rob your 
aunt’s house! (Tries to get away.) 

Gerald. Margaret! You don’t understand ! We’re 
not burglars ! Listen. I’ll make a clean breast of it. 
To begin with, I hired Ted to do the proposing to 
save me from getting engaged! 

Alice and Margaret. Gerald ! 

Gerald. It’s true! It’s true! I—I told Ted I’d 
divvy my ten million with him if he would! And 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 87 


we’re not thieves—we’re pretending we are only be¬ 
fore the burglars themselves! Honestly, girls, that’s 
the truth. 

Ted. Yes, it is. Alice, forgive me! I—I love 
only you! I only proposed to those girls to save 
Gerald ! I hate them! 

Alice. But why would you do a thing like that— 
just for money? 

Ted. Do you know what I was going to do with 
the money? 

Alice. No. What? 

Ted. Build a bungalow just big enough for two— 
and marry you! 

Alice. Oh! 

Ted. Alice, will you believe me? Will you for¬ 


give me, Alice? 

Alice. (Looks down) Ted, I — I 
Ted. Yes, Alice? 

Alice. I just love bungalows. 

Ted. (Takes Alice in his arms and kisses her) 

Alice ^ 

Gerald. Margaret! It’s high time that I speak 
for myself! Those scandals Ted said about me were 
false, weren’t they, Ted? 

Ted. (Looks up from kissing Alice; What was 

that? I was busy. 

Gerald. Am I a bad character? 

Ted. Gracious, don’t ask me. How do I know. 

Gerald. Ted! x 

Ted Oh ah. you mean were those things so 1 said 
about you ? ( Gerald nods. To Margaret) No 

Margaret, really they weren’t. They were part of 
my scheme to keep the girls away from him. 

Gerald. And it worked beautifully—with the 
wrong girl! (Looks at watch.) Margaret, it s just 

ten minutes of twelve. If I don’t propose for ten 
minutes, nobody can get my ten million away from 
me. But—to show you that I love you, Margaret, 


88 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 


you—you can have my ten million—if you take me 
along- with it. Margaret, will you marry me? (She 
hesitates.) 

Alice. Hurry up, dear, if you want that ten mil¬ 
lion. 

Ted. Ten million in ten minutes. That isn’t a 
bad rate of pay. I’d be willing to start out on that 
when I graduate. 

Margaret. Oh—oh—Alice—Gerald—I—I don’t 
want your ten million. What I want is love—and 
Gerald! 

Gerald. Dearest! (Takes Margaret in his arms 
and kisses her.) Dearest! (Kisses her again.) 
Dearest! (Kisses her again.) Will you marry me? 

Ted. (Gives long whistle) Eight minutes to go 
and still he asks her! He sure must love her. 

Gerald. (To Margaret) Will you? 

Margaret. No! (Gerald jumps.) I don’t want 
your money! Therefore I refuse to accept you be¬ 
fore midnieht. 

Ted. (Starts and slaps hand smartly to forehead) 
Love is blind! 

Gerald. Dearest! I’m so glad you put it that 
way! (Kisses Margaret.) 

Alice. (To TedJ Did you see that kiss he gave 
Margaret? He did it very nicely. 

Ted. Yes. he had practice this afternoon. 

Alice and Margaret. What? 

Gerald. Ted! Ah! 

Ted. Playing golf. 

Margaret. What! (To Gerald) I didn’t know 
you were out at the country club, dear. 

Ted. Oh, no, he practiced in this room. 

Gerald. Ted! Ah! 

Alice. Oh, yes, I’ve often heard of men being 
so interested in golf that they even practice in their 
room. 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 89 

Gerald. Yes, that’s it, Alice. That’s fine, Alice. 
You’re all right. 

Alice. Why the sudden compliments? 

Ted. He’s complimenting you on getting me. 

Gerald. Not much. Especially after what I saw 
this afternoon. 

Alice. What ? 

Ted. Er—ah- 

Gerald. Right in this room, too. While I was 
practicing golf. 

Ted. Er—oh, I say, Gerald, let’s call it quits. 

Alice. What are you two talking about? Is it 
still this golf practice? 

Gerald. Oh, yes. And his caddie was wonder¬ 
ful, Alice. 

Ted. Gerald! 

Gerald. Well, how do you like your own medi¬ 
cine ? 

Alice. Medicine? I thought it was golf. 

Ted. Say, Gerald—er—what—what are we going 
to do about these thieves? What are you going to 
do about these thieves? 

Gerald. Let me think- Oh, I know what to 

do. 

Alice and Margaret. What ? 

Gerald. Now listen. Both of you girls go and 
flirt with the thieves. 

Alice and Margaret. Do you mean it? 

Ted. Sure—that ought to be easy for you. 

Alice and Margaret. Oh! 

Gerald. Then Ted and I will go up and take 
their guns. Then leave the rest to us. Shh! 

(Enter Slade and Mrs. Chadwick l.— Slade has 
bonds.) 

Mrs. Chadwick. So I was really very surprised 
to see two of you here. 



90 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Slade. Aw, I don’t care whether ye were or not. 
Sst, Togan! 


(Enter Togan r.) 

Togan. Huh? 

Slade. Look here. Dat guy you’s got locked up 
out dere— (Points r.J —ain’t no burglar. 

Togan. No? Den I’ll bring him in. (Exits r. 
Aunt enters rJ 

Aunt. It’s all right. Gloria will be out in just a 
minute. She’s just finishing her complexion. (To 
Slade,) You’re doing your work beautifully. 

Togan. Aw, pipe down on dat stuff. 

Aunt. Sir! Speak to me respectfully! (Enter 
Corey and Togan r.J If you speak in an ungentle- 
manly manner again, I’ll make you apologize in 
public. 

Slade. Listen to her rave! (Slade and Togan 
laugh.) 

Mrs. Chadwick. Agnes, I wouldn’t stand for 
their impertinence! (Slade and Togan roar.) 

Slade. (Slaps Togan very hard. Togan jumps 
in hurt manner, then smiles) Ha, ha! Dey must be 
nutty, too! 

Aunt. Sirs! You’re discharged! 

Corey. Ho, ho, marm ! Be careful w’at you says, 
marm! 

Aunt. (Looks at CoreyJ Oh, oh, Corey! Have 
you lost your arms ? (The arms in the bathrobe hang 
loose, as Corey’s hands are tied behind him.) 

Slade. (To Aunt,) Keep quiet, dere! 

Aunt and Mrs. Chadwick. Oh! Oh! Are you 
real burglars? 

Togan and Slade. What! 

Togan. (Registers) Say, Slade, does we look 
queer, or why doesn’t dey take us fer burglars ? 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 91 


Mrs. Chadwick: Oh, oh, oh! They’re real! 
Agnes, they’re real! 

Togan. Sure. Did ye t’ink we wus spirits? 
Slade. We’s ready ter blow dis joint. (To Ted,) 
Say, buddy, find de switch in de hall, and when you 
does, put out dese lights. Den we’ll skip. 

Ted. Right-o! I’ll put the lights out. (Exits 


rJ 

Togan. (To Slade) We orter tie up all dese 
birds around here, or we can’t make a good getaway. 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh, oh! I wish my husband 
were here instead of me! 

Togan. (To Slade) If we’s goin’ ter tie ’em all 
up we’ll need ter rob a rope store fust. 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Looks at watch) Oh, dear. 
Oh, dear! It’s just three minutes of twelve! Gloria 
still has a chance! 

Slade. (Bus. To Mrs. Chadwick) Pipe down, 
dere! 

Mrs. Chadwick. Oh! Agnes, save me! (Falls 
into Aunt's arms.) 

Aunt. Help! (Slade rushes up .. Aunt falls 
on Slade, with Mrs. Chadwick still in Aunt s 
arms.) 

Slade. (Trying to lift burden) Help! 

Gerald. Certainly. (Goes to Slade.) Just let 
me have your gun, and I’ll help. , x „ 

Slade. (Short of breath) Nix on dat stuff, 
buddy. (Puffs.) A new thief has got to prove he s 
on de level before he can be trusted. 

Aunt. Oh! Oh! Gerald, this is terrible! (Mrs. 
Chadwick still in Aunt's arms. Aunt leans on 


Slade.) . . TT . . 

Gerald. (Helps Slade) I’ll say it is. Help! 
Togan. (Laughs) Slade, it’s lucky yer wife can t 

see yer. , « , 

Slade. (To Togan) Aw, come over and help 
me. I can’t hold up six hundred pounds all night. 


92 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Togan. (Goes to Slade and helps him) Gee, I 
wish we’d brought more rope. (Gerald goes to 
Corey and loosens him, and wraps bathrobe around 
Corey so that he still appears tied.) 

Mrs. Chadwick. (Bus.) Oh, ah! ah, ah! oh, dear! 

Slade. (To Mrs. Chadwick) Keep quiet. We 
don’t want ter disturb de neighbors. ( Looks at 
Gerald.) Hey, what are ye doing? 

Gerald. Getting a rope for you. (Goes to Slade 
with rope.) Here you are. 

Slade. (Nods admiringly to Togan ) Say, he’ll 
make a good burglar. 

(Corey slips on bathrobe correctly.) 

Gerald. Yes. Just give me time and I’ll surprise 
you. (Lights go out.) 

Slade. Good! He found de switch, all right. 

(Enter Ted at r. Ted stands near r. door and flashes 
flashlight into face of Gloria and Irene, who 
enter r. Ted catches Irene.) 

Ted. (Whispers) Irene! Sneak out in the hall 
and when you hear anybody say, Hands up! snap 
on the lights. (Irene nods and exits r.) 

Mrs. Chadwick. (As Togais flashes light into 
Gloria’s face) Oh, is that you, Gloria? Be quick— 
it’s one minute of twelve! 

Gloria. I will! Where’s the sport-colored bath¬ 
robe? (Sees Corey. ) Oh, there it is! (Rushes into 
Corey’s arms.) Save me, dearest! Save me! Dear¬ 
est! Say you will marry me, dearest! (Corey and 
Gloria embrace, and can be heard to kiss.) 

Mrs. Chadwick. Gloria, that’s not- 

Togan. Pipe down, dere! 

Gloria. Oh, Mama! He said it! He said it! 
He said he’d marry me! 


IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 93 
Togan. Pipe down! 

Gloria. (To Corey; And I have you before 
twelve o’clock, haven’t I, dearest? 

Corey. Hi’ll say so, marm. 

(Margaret and Alice are pantomiming to Slade 
and Togan. Gerald and Ted snatch guns from 
Slade and Togan.; 


Gerald and Ted. Hands up! (Lights go on. 
Togan and Slade raise hands. Mrs. Chadwick 
and Aunt raise hands, then lower them hesitatingly. 
Gerald has left arm around Margaret. Ted has 
left arm around Alice. Gloria is seen kissing Corey 
as lights go on. Clock strikes twelve. Picture.) 

Gloria. (Screams and jumps back) Oh, Mama! 
See what I was kissing! i 

Gerald. People! It’s past midnight—and I m a 
man! I’ve won my ten million! I’ve also won some¬ 
thing far more precious! Listen, everybody. Mar¬ 
garet, will you marry me ? 

Margaret. Are you sure it’s after twelve? 
Gerald. Yes, dear. 

Margaret. (Looks up into Geralds face and 
kisses him) Then I’ll say yes, dear. (Togan and 

Slade move.) - , _ . ... 

Gerald. (To Togan and Sladf.) Stand still, 

there! 

Ted (To Gerald; Yes, you watch them. It’s 
my turn now. (Kisses Alice. Ted takes long breath.) 
Oh I tell you, when it comes to kissing, there’s noth¬ 
ing that helps you like a college education! (To 
Gerald) Go ahead, Gerald, kiss her again. Ill 
watch these birds. _ (Margaret takes a deep breath 
and gets ready for kiss.) . ...... 

Gerald. No. (Margaret registers.) We must 

attend to these crooks. Corey! . 

Corey. (Jumps ridiculously) Yes, sirr 


94 IT’S TURRIBLE TO BE POPULAR 

Gerald. Rush out and get the police as quick as 
those boots will let you navigate! 

Corey. Right haway, sir! (Runs l. and stum¬ 
bles.) 

Ted. And bring a minister, too! (Corey exits 

lJ 

Gerald. Yes. (Kisses Margaret. Ted kisses 
Alice.J 


CURTAIN 












































































































BILLETED. 

A comedy in 3 acts, by F. Tennison Jesse and H. Harwood. 4 
males, 5 females. One easy interior seer-. A charming comedy, 
constructed with uncommon skill, and abounds with clever lines. 
Margaret Anglin’s big success. Amateurs will find this comedy easy 
to produce and popular with all audiences. Price, 63 Cents- 


NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. 

A comedy in 3 acts. By James Montgomery. 5 males, 6 females. 
Costumes, modern. Two interior scenes. Plays 2 J 4 hours. 

Is it possible to tell the absolute truth—even for twenty-four hours? 
It is—at least Bob Bennett, the hero of “Nothing But the Truth,” 
accomplished the feat. The bet he made with his business partners, 
and the trouble he got into—with his partners, his friends, and his 
fiancee—this is the subject of William Collier’s tremendous comedy 
hit. “Nothing But the Truth” can be whole-heartedly recommended 
as one of the most sprightly, amusing and popular comedies that this 
country can boast. Price, 60 Cents. 


IN WALKED JIMMY. 

A comedy in 4 acts, by Minnie Z. Jaffa. 10 males, '? females (al¬ 
though any number of males and females may be used as clerks, 

etc.). Two interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Plays hours. 

The thing into which Jimmy walked was a broken-down shoe factory, 

when the clerks had all been fired, and when the proprietor was in 

serious contemplation of suicide. 

Jimmy, nothing else but plain Jimmy, would have been a mysterious 
figure had it not been for his matter-of-fact manner, his smile and 
his everlasting humanness. He put the shoe business on its feet, won 
the heart of the girl clerk, saved her erring brother from jail, escaped 
that place as a permanent boarding house himself, and foiled the 
villain. 

Clean, wholesome comedy with just a touch of human nature, just 
a dash of excitement and more than a little bit of true philosophy 
make “In Walked Jimmy” one rf the most delightful of plays. 
Jimmy is full of the religion of life, the religion of happiness and 
the religion of helpfulness, and he so permeates the atmosphere with 
his “religion” that everyone is happy. The spirit of optimism, good 
cheer, and hearty laughter dominates the plav. There is not a dull 
moment in any of the four acts. We strongly recommend it. 

Price, 60 Cents. 


MARTHA BY-THE-DAY. 

An optimistic comedy in three acts, by Julie M. Lippmann, author 
of the “Martha” stories. 5 males, 5 females. Three interior scenes. 
Costumes modern. Plays 2 1 /\ hours. 

It is altogether a gentle thn".g, this play. It is full of quaint hu¬ 
mor, old-fashioned, homely sentiment, the kind that people who see 
the play will recall and chuckle over to-morrow and the next day. 

Miss Lippmann has herself adapted her very successful book for 
stage service, and in doing this has selected from her novel the most, 
telling incidents, infectious comedy and homely sentiment ?or the 
play, and the result is thoroughly delightful. Price, oO Cents. 

(The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) 


SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 We, t 38th Street, New York City 

Haw and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request 




Golden Days 

A comedy of youth, in four acts, by Sidney Toler and 
Marion Short. 7 males, 10 females. Three interior 
scenes. Costumes modern. Plays 2^ hours. 

“Golden Days” is a play with all the charm of youth. 
It enjoyed a run of sixteen weeks in Chicago with 
Patricia Collinge in the leading role, and was then 
brought to the Gaiety Theatre, New York, with Helen 
Hayes in the part of “Mary Anne.” Price, 75 cents. 

Come Out of the Kitchen 

A charming comedy in 3 acts, adapted by A. E. Thomas 
from the story of the same name by Alice Duer Miller. 6 
males, 5 females. Three interior scenes. Costumes, 
modern. Plays 2 y 2 hours. 

“Come Out of the Kitchen,” with Ruth Chatterton in 
the leading role, made a notable success on its produc¬ 
tion by Henry Miller at the Cohan Theatre, New York. 
It was also a great success at the Strand Theatre, Lon¬ 
don. A most ingenious and entertaining comedy, and 
we strongly recommend it for amateur production. 

Price, 75 cents 


His Majesty Bunker Bean 

A farcical comedy in four acts. By Lee Wilson Dodd, 
from the novel by Harry Leon Wilson. males, 6 

females. Four interior scenes. Costumes, modern, Plays 
2Vo hours. Those who have laughed immoderately at 
Harrv Leon Wilson’^ story will be greatly amused by 
the play, which tells the story of a cowed and cred¬ 
ulous youth who became kingly when he was tricked 
into believing himself a reincarnation of Napoleon. His 
Majesty Bunker Bean,” with Taylor Holmes in the title 
role, was brought to the Astor Theatre, New ork, 
after a run of 25 weeks in Chicago. A delightful and 
wholesome farce comedy with no dull n ^ ) r I | 1 c ® nts 7 ‘ 5 cen ts 

A Full House 

7 tnale r s CiC 7 al fe“ y ‘Snl’tatertS^.cS. ^Mode'fc™- 
tumes 1 ’Plays 2% hours. This newest and funniest of 
aU farces was written by Fred Jackson, the well-known 
shorf story writer, and is backed up by the prestige 
of an impressive New York success and the promise of 
unlimited fun presented in the most attractive form. 
A cleverer farce has not been seen for many a lon 0 
dav “A Full House” is a house full of laughs. 
aa> * Price, 75 cents 


(The Above Are Subject to Royalt y When Produced) 

SAMI EL FRENCH, 2S-30 West 38th Street, New York City 

New ami Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed 
Free on Request 



Clarence 


A comedy in four acts by Booth Tarkington, author 
of “The Man From Home,” “Penrod,” “The Country 
Cousin,” etc. 5 males, 5 females. Two interior scenes. 
Costumes, modern. Plays 2y 2 hours. 

Clarence has no medals, no shoulders bars, no great 
accomplishment. One of the “five million,” he served 
■where he was sent—though it was no further than Texas. 
As an entomologist he found—on this side of the ocean— 
no field for his specialty in the great war. So they set 
him to driving mules. 

Now, reduced to civil life and seeking a job, he finds 
a position in the home of one, Wheeler, a wealthy Eng- 
elwood man with a family. And because he’d “been in 
the army” he becomes guide, philosopher and friend to 
the members of that same agitated and distracted family 
group. Clarence’s position is an anomolous one. He 
mends the bathroom plumbing, he tunes the piano, he 
types—off stage—he plays the saxophone. And around 
him revolves such a group of characters as only Booth 
Tarkington could offer. It is a real American comedy; 
and the audience ripples with appreciative and delighted 
laughter. 

Those marvelous young people, Cora and Bobby Wheel¬ 
er, are portrait sketches warranted to appeal to every 
one but the originals. Their truth will be lost on the 
“Flapper” and the “prep” school youth, but to their par¬ 
ents and guardians, to all, indeed, who have emerged 
from the serious, self-conscious, period of adolescence, 
they will be an enduring joy. 

“Clarence” is a real delight. It is as American as 
“Huckleb«rry Finn” or pumpkin pie. It is as delight¬ 
ful as any native comedy which has tried to lure the 
laughter of this country in the last ten seasons. 

Price, 75 cents. 


Three Live Ghosts 

A comedy in three acts by Frederick Isham and Max 
Marcm. 6 males, 4 females (2 policemen). One interior 
scene stands throughout the three acts. Costumes mo¬ 
dern. Plays 2 y 2 hours. 

“Three Live Ghosts” is brim full of fun and humor and 
is sure to keep audiences in gales of laughter The 
New York critics described it as the most ingenious 
and amusing comedy of the season and genuinely and 
heartily funny. It played a full season in New York 
and then toured the big cities. A lively comedy of merit 
we can strongly recommend for amateur production. 

Price, 75 cents. 

(The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) 


SAIfl'EL PREACH, 2S-30 West 3«Sth Street, New York City 

New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed 
Free or, Request 







